6 months into now.

It's been some time since I last posted! Not that anyone would be keeping up with this place, but I thought it'd be a nice thing to point out.

Here I am, at work in an office, at the heart of KL. Situated right beside the Pavilion shopping center, it's a rather interesting experience that has taught me some things about working life. Spending my days slogging away at a computer isn't exactly how I viewed my summer holiday, but oh well. As needs must eh? I suppose a little boredom hasn't killed anyone... though I'm sure there must have been a couple of cases.

Going out and about the city has given me some thoughts though. What else am I supposed to do when I am commuting? People watching is an activity that many people engage in, by choice or not. I've seen how the masses pile themselves like rice in a box as they squeeze themselves into the monorail or the trains. The worst being the KTM, which is packed to the brims. You could even see people using their arms on the doorways to shove themselves in furthur. I've given up on that and instead have been using the much more timely and spacious (and air-conditioned!) LRT.

There are so many different types of people around here. I've noticed that there are many blind people around, something I am not used to seeing, especially in a bustling city like KL. Their plight pulls at something in the back of my mind; here are people who cannot see, yet try to carry on with their lives like nothing is wrong. I gaze on as I see helpful souls - veritable mirrors of the people who shove themselves into trains - taking an arm and leading the blind to wherever they go (as long as it's on the way, I suppose). I've even seen a construction worker in his bright yellow work-vest helping a blind man cross the street. People know when being helpful and good is necesary, even when it's not expected. There's just something about helping others that makes it great, even though there is no benefit for yourself. Perhaps it is the human ability to empathize, to feel - even a little bit - the pain that others feel. Or perhaps they do it just because they are free.

It's been an interesting time. People change, as always, and some things stay the same. My friends are still the zany, crazy people who I know and love. My family is still the slightly strange, very loving, absolutely-drive-me-crazy people that I know and love. The restaurants I frequent still have the wonderfully cooked food that I know and love. The same friends have all started to grow up though, keeping themselves busy with work instead of lazing around with studies. My brother and sister are getting into different ages where they do different things from before. Some of the places I frequent are now gone or have changed locations.

Eh, whaddaya know.

Christmas

It's only a day before Christmas really hits the United States. For many, it's a time of celebration and togetherness with their loved ones. For some, it's a bitter, lonely day that celebrates nothing but the salt of loneliness rubbed into an old wound.

Perhaps for me, it's a time when I can tell myself that I don't have to do anything; the world is on hold on this merry, melancholy day. Of course, over here there will be plenty of cooking to do as I would like to prevent starvation! Classes are obviously over, and the terror of final papers is long past (only a few days really). I find myself just puttering about the house, making adjustments to this or that, enjoying my free time. It's a refreshing experience that helps reset the mind for the coming new year.

I've recently been given the privilege to take care of a cute, quirky, cranky bearded dragon called Megadeth. Some people may remember that that name is a band, and others will not really care. It's a rather fitting name in a way, and the time I spend with this little lizard has been fairly enjoyable - fun even. I'd never have known that lizards could ever be so interesting, especially compared to dogs! Still, Megadeth seems to exude a certain charm that has bespelled me. Sometimes I find myself watching him just perch there on his little Mayan ziggurat, staring almost blankly at nothing. He just sits there for hours, basking in the artificial sunlight like some Mayan priest. His crickets give me no end of laughter, climbing to the top of the ziggurat and being eaten. They remind me of sacrificial lambs being brought to the slaughter. Good fun really.

Somehow this little guy has a personality that comes from continued exposure. Online it is said that bearded dragons are calm and trusting creatures, somewhat slow but agile at the same time. There was once he pretty much knocked his head on the glass repeatedly as I readied his food. Good times.

The half-year that I've been back from Malaysia have seen like an eternity. Lots of things happen here, and many of them far more than interesting.

Long days... even longer nights.

A thrilling conclusion to a semester I must say.



Studying for finals is a new experience... considering how much I've been studying. I think I have studied more this semester than the rest of my life combined twice over. 5 hour study streaks are a new if not inevitable experience for me.



I have found the miracle of Red Bull... in the US this seemingly innocuous drink is a real kick in the balls that wakes people up. You have not had Red Bull till you've had it in the States. There's also this drink called 6-hour Power which really is... 6-hour power. Drinking one of those little bottles of energy keeps you up and going for quite some time!



As you might imagine, finals are just around the corner... tomorrow really (oh crap!). I should be studying, but of course procrastinating is fun too! (even though the exam is in... 12 hours?).

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It's been a fairly interesting 2009 for me so far. Spending a year away from home is an experience that I would like to never repeat again. All the food I'm missing is going to kill me someday. I tide myself over with homemade concoctions of bakuteh (only once so far), chicken rice (oh the horror of cleaning the rice cooker...), and nasi lemak (malay girls for friends = win), but nothing will beat fulfilling a craving for food by driving 10 minutes. I'm sure you'll see me out at night more often than before!

Nothing compares to missing the people that I was so used to seeing back home though. Life-long friends always meet up as if there was never a pause between seeing each other. I think I've been pretty lucky in getting more of those friends here in the States.

Pretty little mistakes...

It's been such a long time since I posted. I don't suppose anyone really misses my little blog anyway ;).

Not a very eventful two months. Had a trip here and there, enjoyed life as any college student should. I finished reading a book called "Pretty Little Mistakes" awhile back, which was very interesting and thoughtful. You go through the book much like a game book: Make a decision, move on to the next page, find out the ending. The decisions you make in life might see you ending up as a drug dealer, a rape victim, or even a butterfly farmer.

Just like the book, our decisions will determine the course of our lives, except we make decisions all the time. Shall we go left or right? Up or down? Arts or Sciences? Chicken or beef? Coke or Pepsi? Sometimes the smallest decision could change our life forever. Perhaps, for once, instead of skipping this class we find an inspiration, an idol, a dream that we want to live up to. Perhaps, maybe, we'll go on a random car ride and end up in the hospital. Perhaps, just for fun, we'll start hanging out with that lonely-looking Asian kid and someday be best friends with the wealthiest man in the world.

Perhaps, just because, we'll compliment someone on their hair and save them from suicide.

There are so many decisions in life. Unlike the book, we can't turn the pages back and see "what if?". We just have to accept that things happen, and we move on. It's a shame that we can't, but I guess it makes things for the better. Life is unpredictable, you might as well be as random as you can.

Mankind always wonders what life would be like if we always made the best decisions. Life's greatest joys and worst tragedies come from the strangest of places and the most far-off reasons.

Why worry? Life is worth living for, always.

My footsteps echo on the walls of the little library beside me. The pavement flows smoothly beneath my feet. I look around, and nobody is there. Just trees, and the burble of a small stream.

It's pretty cold out, I think, but I feel warm.

As I pass the various campus buildings, I see few people on the road. Perhaps it is the late hour, perhaps people are just at home... doing the things people do at night ;). I should be one of those people, but I guess I'm just too far away. It does not sadden me, really. I am a little envious, and not a bit wistful, but what can I do eh? At least I enjoyed the day with a good meal (which had rather good service), and a good time with a friend.

Another day, another memory to store in the reel of film that is life. I feel satisfied with the meal that I had, and the interesting conversations that I listen to. Sitting in a booth in the restaurant, I look around and wonder... which of these couples will last? Love is frequently a fickle thing, even though my friend says it's supposed to be a simple thing.

"Love is simple. You know you have it when you do."

I miss home, but I'm not sad.

I know I have it.

Hm.

I miss home. I miss the people, the food, the atmosphere (minus the constant danger of roads ;)). I miss the little lady I left there, who's still (impatiently) waiting for me. Hehe.

When I'm home I'll miss the freedom, the free time, the privacy, the people, the food, the atmosphere. I'll miss the times of living free, pretty much. I'll miss the studying, wouldn't you know it.

Life is such a contradiction isn't it?
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So I just realized that my study options are going to change by quite a bit. I'm just waiting to see how my parents will want me to go one place or another. It's between economics or something in public affairs, which sounds kind of intersting to me. Decisions, decisions.

I always liked learning about the "big picture". It's always nice to see how everything works, and in the end correct mistakes that happen in the system. Perhaps I am a born leader deeeeep inside. Might account for my loud, obnoxious shouty voice and chilling demeanor... hmm...

Contradictions.

Love is an emotion created by contradictory human beings. Therefore, love is a contradiction:

Love is about peace and fighting;
Hope and despair;
Forgiveness and utter wrath;
Compromise and stubbornness;
Joy and sadness.

Love is about being together, where each person is only one half of the whole;
It's about being special, being true to oneself, independent from others.
People tell you that love is about caring,
And at the same time also about leaving others well alone.

Love is about finding boredom exciting.

It's hard to find love, but it's well worth it.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

... no, really, don't.

It's cold out these days. Really cold. Best part is, it's going to get colder soon enough. Oh well. Thanksgiving holidays are around the corner! Huzzah to that I guess. One must at least give thanks to getting a week off of classes ;).

Been busy just doing projects and keeping up with classes these days. I wouldn't say there's nothing to talk about; life is just routine, and making the routine interesting takes a fair amount of skill and determination. That, and staying up at night. My best thoughts come out at night for some strange reason. Perhaps my body is so tired, my mind keeps busy with just itself instead of managing it. Or perhaps it is because it's sleeping time, so my brain starts roaming in preparation for dreamworld.

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They say couples start to look alike after spending enough time together. It's a strange phenomenon I would think, but I can see how it happens, in a way. We are moulded by the people we hang out with, regardless of how antisocial one is. The experiences we share make us who we are. If we share happy memories, then we'll be happy people. If we share sadness, our faces might droop more. If there is a deep connection between each other, lives and even the physical world changes.

And yet, do we become who we are because we want to, or did we start out with a set path? I've always liked listening to jazz. I've always liked a certain style, or a certain way of doing things. Only my lady and I know who I become when we're together, but I think others may have had hints. She and I can be two of a kind, or one of a kind depending on where we are and what we're doing. I guess that's how we click; we both act the same way. But how does someone quite different from me somehow have the same thought processes as me? Weren't we two independent people? Or did us being together make way for a different view?

It feels like we become who we want to be according to what we want others to see in us. That doesn't make us any less real a person though. If the faces we put on weren't real, then nobody is real.

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I like going to the mall every once in awhile. It's a hassle, but it is worth it at times. The restaurants are all there, so I go to get a good break from boring ol' food once in awhile. The thing that pulls me there more often than not is the pet shop though. Been itching to get my fur fix. I love dogs to death, they're just so cute and lovable. They greet almost everyone with equal friendliness and hope. They'll gladly jump up on you every single day you come home because it's been ages since they've seen you. They roll around and act so damn cute you just have to squeeze their little heads to bits. They're simple and straightforward. And yet, there are times when it gets kind of depressing.

Picture a pet store. A poor man walks in just browsing through the windows. A cute little terrier who has never seen him before jumps up to the window, panting and wagging his tail. The man walks over smiling, seeing how happy the little furball is. The dog and the man both place their hands/paws on the window, and for that instant, for that very picture, they are happy. Think about it though: Who's the one who deserves more pity? The man, or the dog? The man knows he will probably never be able to get the dog. He'll smile now, but it only serves to remind him that he can't get that little friend for a long time. All he can do is hope that the moment lasts as long as possible. The dog on the other hand will greet the next person to come just as enthusiastically as he did before. Someday, the dog will get bought out and will live in a hopefully happy family. The man walks away, stuck with feelings of longing.

Still, they're just so damn cute that you just can't help smiling when you see one. I know my hands twitch when I see one padding along jauntily.

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Life is like crayons: Some people get a six pack, and some get a twelve. Some have an infinite variety to choose from. In the end, it's what you draw with what you have that makes you who you are.

Life.

I was in a car, watching the trees and streetlights swishing by. I had a bag of fries and a sandwich with me, just waiting to be eaten. Best fries I've had, ever. Rallys. Mmmmm...

I look to the front: the driver's an American, a friend really. At his side sits a Malaysian, another friend, my housemate. It's a BMW, a 3-series like home. Fast food at night, wondrous.

I sit at my computer, and I hear laughter, I hear people chatting away. The house usually has something going on, people doing things. Just today my thoughts were interrupted by a minute of non-stop screaming. Ah, pranks played are best enjoyed together.

What would life be without friends?

I think I'd die without friends. Without people to love, people who love me. I'm not very social, but I enjoy laughing. Nobody laughs as hard as they could unless they're with friends, with people they know. I've always been the guy who stands at the side of the party, nursing a drink and just watching people enjoy themselves. I was in an open house today, just eating some Malaysian food, not knowing what to say to these other people.

I find it funny that amongst friends I talk so much, and yet at other times I'm that guy you don't really know. How do people socialize so easily? It's hard for me. But hey, at least I am fun to be around once you know me. Right?

I suppose that without friends all I'd be doing on a Saturday night is watching movies, or interacting with a computer. I'd probably go bonkers trying to find things to do. It's hard for me to get used to new faces, to new people, but I want to. I really do. Maybe it's something I got from my dad. He's friendly if you know him, once he loosens up. Everyone thinks he's stony faced and angry-looking, but that's his "idle" face. I've been told I'm like that too.

People tell me to smile, but I don't know what for so I don't. It's so fake if I do. I try. I try. People who know me remember that, and they don't mind. I hope. Those who are close friends don't care at all, because I know they don't and I am me with them. You can say that I don't have many friends; thing is, I'm always blunt and honest with my friends. I can be whoever I want to be with them, without a care for image. Isn't that great?

But yes, one is thankful for the things one has, and one really does have a lot of things, if you think about it. I've always liked looking at the big picture, the overall idea.

Overall, the picture looks pretty good, really.

A long day...

It's been a long day, as you can see. And it's still going on! Couple of Malaysians have come over, and we're all chatting away having a couple of drinks. Officially everyone is here to do some task for the Malaysian student association, but hey, get a bunch of us around and everyone is social!

It really does feel like a home now, I think. We have a 5.1 sound system for a 42 inch LCD screen, with cable and a very decent internet connection and a powerful WiFi that reaches far enough for all of us. This really does feel like a home now.

Classes seem interesting, and I am aiming for A+'s this semester because I am still waiting for entry into my school of choice, something I am reasonably worried about. I have even taken a peer tutoring job to help me with my resume and my future.

Through it all though, I still miss home; the late nights, the food, the little lady waiting at home for me even now. It's all far away, but yet so close to my heart. Funny, how the world is.

Ah, life. Sometimes you provide the strangest twists.

A new home.

I'm back in the States, as those of you who care should know... and I am in a new house!

Myself and 4 other Malaysians are all in one little home and we have certainly made it cozy! At first everything was dusty and desolate... but after moving in some furniture, after buying (a large number) some decor and lighting, it looks like a wonderful place.

My room is being made into my dream room... ah, the miracles of taste and money. I plan to grab a job this semester, truly I am. That and maybe some plasma donation for extra cash... it'll be great to know that everything has paid itself!

Pictures will come along soon I guess, very soon. I've taken hundreds so far. Can't wait for my room to be finished.

Duality

Ever hear the line 'It's always the quiet one you have to watch out for'? You never know if that guy smiling peacefully is just reminiscing about his latest rape, his most recent kill, his great plan to bomb something. You never know if the person walking past you is actually thinking about what it would be like to stab you. You never know if the guy in the car next to you is wondering what it would be like to throw a molotov cocktail into your open window.

Everyone has faces. Not the one that you see in the mirror, no. That's just your face looking back at you. Yet, you could say that one really does have a flipped side. Another self. An image in a mirror that only you see. The complicated part comes when you realize it's not a mirror you're looking at; it's a funhouse full of faces looking back at you. Some of those faces are familiar, similar even. Some are distorted but still very much you. Quite a number of them are very unlike the original, but retain enough to know that the image on the mirror is you.

Human beings are the same. We have different sides to show people. At home, with friends, alone, with strangers, in a classroom, with best buds, with your wife (or perhaps your husband), with your kids, or your parents. The list could go on and on. People act differently depending on the circumstances. That being the case, how in the world does one truly know another?

Following this, it is logical to think that when one has a different face, one also has different feelings. Sometimes I feel like going out. Sometimes I am out but want to be home. Sometimes I don't want to do anything but I am. Conflicts between the feelings are masked by these faces. Maybe it's just the human condition of wanting everything but yet not actually needing anything. We are all selfish, there's no denying that.

Who can we show all our faces to? Who can truly accept every part of you, every essence of your being? Who can understand your sadistic, suicidal, homicidal, violent, angry, sad, depressed, emotional, hateful, spiteful moments other than the person standing in the mirror? People have their secrets, I suppose. They just don't know they're secrets because it's just another face.

I think that trust is not just being confident in letting someone else do whatever they want. Trust is being prepared for the worst, bracing yourself in case some ugly skeleton falls out of the closet and laughing about it after that. Trust is saying 'Hey, that was then,' or 'You know what, at least in the end it was all worth it'. Those who really trust will understand. Whether or not they forgive is of course their choice.

We judge other people by their face value. We do. Regardless of what our philosophy on 'inner beauty' is, we still look at someone and judge then and there: 'Smoker. Doesn't care for life', 'Used drugs before, a total junkie and useless person', 'Salesman, no future', 'Cleaner, must be uneducated'. You never know, they could have a different face that you'll never see because of those judgements.

But then, I am pretty happy with my faces I think. They don't seem to bother me too much, and I've shown many sides to the people who are important to me. They know me for who I am, and love me for it. Who are you to decide I'm a loser? Who are you to think that I am boring? I've got a hundred other faces and they're all reserved for the people I love.

Which face are you looking at now?

Home.

Just last week (or was it two weeks ago?) I came home.

Seeing old friends, going out often, having a very good time in general, pigging out on copious amounts of food... a vacation I will very much enjoy.

Whatever the crapiness of the 'system' here, whatever the 'danger' of going out at night is, whatever the stresses of 'life' are, it's still home. Screw complaining about things we can't change; life is in front of us, why bother?

Summer...

... has been a hell of a rush! I'm never taking classes in summer again. Never ever ever ever.

All the classes are so rushed... I don't feel like I'm learning. Everything is just being crammed down my throat in the hopes that it gets in.

In other news... nothing much has been happening. Muahahaha.

Inspiration.

There comes a time - many a time really - where a person just has to get his thoughts down. His mind is just so busy doing stuff that sleep comes hard.
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I thought about this awhile back, but I forgot to write about it. There are lots of times when I wish I could take a photo of people. Friends, family, pets, strangers, everyone deserves a good candid picture of themselves. Sometimes I see couples on the bus just snoozing, and it occurs to me that this could be a wonderful picture. Those moments where things are just right, when the time is good and the environment is peaceful. I just feel like saying 'look around and smile!', snapping a snazzy photo to send to their email.
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Religion is always a strange thing to me. I never liked the idea of getting into an organized religion because to me, I don't need those rituals and chants and scripture to believe in something. I believe in making your own destiny, grasping your own life and shaking it thoroughly. I admit that yes, God might be out there looking down on everyone, but yet I also say that I am not a believer in God.

I will not mention whatever 'scientific' explanation out there; that is a question better left to philosophists. I am just a simple man. I know that I'm out here on my own because I choose to, and because I can survive on my own. Maybe to others, it would seem as if God were in me all the time, guiding my life without me knowing it. Who cares really? =P

I am not insulting religion in any way. I am definitely not diminishing a person's faith. They can live their lives the way they want to. Sometimes though, I surprise myself by being able to provide inspiration through explaining things in God's point of view. I am not a believer, but I just know what to say. In saying those words, I guess I put a little belief in them and send that belief to the receiver. It's as if just for those words, I really did believe in God. That would be kind of funny wouldn't it?

Words are powerful things though. Through words one can truly inspire and make known a feeling. Through words I can explain a little bit about life. Through words I can make people feel better. Nothing makes me happier than to put a smile back on people's faces (aside from smiling with them of course ;)). Words have always been one of my strong points... it's just the time and place that need some tweaking.

Shall I send you a gift of belief?

Peace.

Almost all my work is done! At long last. Now I just need to face the final examinations with a brave face and a lopsided grin. It's always been my habit to go in with full confidence that things are going to be all right. I suppose the confidence helps my brain switch to exam mode!

Spring's about over, quick as it is, and summer is coming on real soon. The temperature has been steadily zooming up for the past few weeks. Haven't done much in terms of crazy shit I suppose. Somehow it just doesn't feel like I'm doing anything substantial right now... all the major projects are over (except 2 really, but they're due later!), I'm going out to help my friends with their studies, and classes are essentially done with.

It's been an eventful first semester, and the details are all back in previous posts. People who are far away are having problems of their own, dealing with it on their own as best they can. I guess life just keeps piling on responsibilities and hardships when we're not looking..

We must always remember though that there really are good things in life. Everyday suffering can always make us feel down because it happens everyday. Our joys in life are few and far in between sometimes, but we must always keep in mind that they have happened, they do happen, and they always will happen. That is the miracle of life; joy happens once in awhile if you would just wait for it.

It's human nature to focus on the sufferings of life. Everyone suffers in one way or another. Everyone thinks their own suffering is the most important one to consider. Humans are self-centered; they think about themselves more than others, emphasizing that their suffering is the worst, that they suffer the most.

Life sucks, deal with it.

What else can you do? Even though we can't do anything about suffering, we complain. I enjoy complaining really. To me, it's a way of dealing with it. I throw out my suffering in front of me and consciously know that it is just suffering. I line it out to myself, that shit I am suffering in this way. Then it makes it alot easier to deal with in a more productive manner.

If all else fails, it's always good to keep in mind that yes, suffering sucks, but we have our own little joys here and there. We have great friends, a sound mind, a working body, money to do stuff, opportunity to live. I could gripe all day about the shit that is happening to me, but why not just let things be? Life goes on no matter how much you go nuts about problems.

Life goes on. It really does!

Finals!

Nah, summer is fast approaching. The flowers are out, the birds are singing, squirrels are running everywhere eating all dem nuts... it's really beautiful here.

I'll be taking shots soon!

Hmm...

Well, the semester seems to be wrapping up really quickly. Finals are coming in another 3 weeks. All the work is somehow being done at a wonderful pace. It's kind of hard to believe just how far I've come; from the lost young man in a new country to the grouchy old guy in a land that feels a bit more familiar to him. It's harder still to imagine how far I will have to go in the future.

It has been four eventful months for this guy. In a quarter of a year, I have somehow made this place feel like a home. I look out my window, or look around when I walk, and somehow it doesn't seem so scary and new to me anymore.

I've :

• Traveled in the States
• Made friends with Americans
• Learned some interesting cultures
• Adapted to the new environment
• Seen new sights
• Played with snow
• Learned to cook (learning still!)
• Partied with new friends
• Enjoyed a chilling night out
• Danced (a little) in the wind and rain
• Laughed at the sky
• Said hello, thank you, and you're welcome to strangers
• Attended Riverdance and Stomp (a must see indeed)

So many things. So many more to come. Change is always scary if you think of it as destroying your life. One way or another though, things change. When you think of it that way, it's not so bad after all. I think that travel really does open eyes.
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Of course, none of this would have been possible without the friends I have here. The people that welcomed me into their little group to enjoy our stay here together. There is no way I could not give credit to the people who have helped me adapt to a new world. This bunch of crazy Malaysians who are living life out in their own way out here in this equally crazy country. Without them, I would never have known much about making friends. I would have been so lost with so many things. I would have been bored stiff, with no social life to speak of and no friends to dream about.

No matter how 'cool' I could possibly seem to people who don't know me, I am never a person to shy away from being dragged around by friends to have fun. Friends are important to me because they force me to get out, and they help me live life.

I guess that sometimes, some things never change.

Last week, I felt a little down and depressed I suppose. All the work seemed to be crowding all over me, and life didn't seem so bright after all.

Whaddaya know, I'm fine already. Just this morning I woke up to a bright Monday morning and walked to class, and everything seemed just fine. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the trees were waving their green-ing branches at me, the flowers were saying pleasant hellos... squirrels were munching on nuts, as usual... life seemed all great again.

Strange world we live in, huh?

The things we do in life.

Sometimes, even the best student fails.
Sometimes, the motivation is just not there.
Sometimes, even the happiest person has his doubts.
Sometimes, even the best of things doesn't seem so good.
Sometimes, even the most loving man falters in his devotion.
Sometimes, even the most devout of men will question Gods' ways.
Sometimes, even the most courageous of soldiers flees from the enemy.

What differentiates the man from the mouse,
What makes a person stand out from the rest,
Is whether he steels himself to go back;

Once more, into the fray.