There are just some things in life...

Some experiences, some memories, some occurances, that I wouldn't ever miss for the world.

Sometimes, they are the simplest things.
Enjoying a laugh at a show.
Walking down memory lane on a slow day.
Watching the world pass by out the car window.
Washing the dishes.
Cleaning the house.
Throwing paper airplanes.

Sometimes, they are the silliest things.
Rolling around fighting each other.
Panicking at a mini-fireball in the house.
Farting. That always makes a laugh.
Throwing water in the bathroom.
Shivering in the freezing rain.

Sometimes, they are the most complex things.
A romantic dinner after a great day out.
Fixing up a cupboard.
Moving an entire room to a new house.
Shopping for gifts.

Planning a surprise.

Sometimes, it's just doing nothing with each other.

What do you love?

It's over.

Chicago is done and dealt with, and all my new purchases are hanging proudly in my closet. Classes have started once more, and the happiness of shopping has ebbed away. I feel a little depressed.

Spending my life thousands of miles away from the woman I love isn't easy. It's not the temptation or the loneliness that really gets to me. I don't worry about me, because I am just awesome in that aspect. I worry about her. She's always somewhere in my head, floating around in one way or another.

• I worry about whether she's eating right, because I'm not there to make her food taste awesomer.
• I worry about whether she's smiling enough, because I'm not there to look dumb and make her laugh.
• I worry about whether she's sleeping warm, because she loves the cold too much and I'm not there to throw the blanket over her.
• I worry about whether she's resting enough, because I'm not there to do her work.
• I worry about whether she's going out and about enough, because I'm not there as a reason for her to kick me out of the house to move my lazy butt.
• I worry about whether she has enough groceries for the week, because I'm not there for her to use as a driver and a shopping-bag-carrier.
• I worry about whether she's living life the way I imagined my loved one should live, because I'm not there to remind her of what life is about.

I know I can enjoy life here when she's back home. Everything can be put in a positive light; each trip I go to, I imagine what it would be like with her by my side. Things we could do, stuff we could see, the various situations we would be in and how she would look. The little things are always there in the back of my head. Her face lighting up at the prospect of shopping, the sight of snow maybe, the joy of a clear day even. I'm wistful, but it's all right.

It's never easy to have that certain someone far away. It's always hard to make things right again when an argument happens, whatever the reason that argument started. It's almost impossible to run on over and just be there for that person.

Distance makes things harder. It always does. What people always forget is that distance never makes things impossible though. People make things happen because they want to. Love is powerful as long as you want it to be powerful, because you make it powerful with your own feelings. Things can work out if you want them to.

I want things to work out. And they are. Slowly, but surely, life goes on, and she'll be right there with me all the way.

Chicagooooooooo...!

Well it's near the end of spring break, and here I am in the Ramada Inn somewhere near Chicago, tapping away at my experiences in this extremely huuuuuge city.

Spring break started like any other day really, with us hanging around doing nothing, chatting away and thinking of things to do. I spent saturday through wednesday in Navvin's room, living there because I got kicked out by my dorm. We didn't really do much... we rented a minivan for the week, which was really cool. With transport we could actually drive around and do alot more stuff. We went to eat things in places that were hard to reach, and man is there alot more variety out there!

Early Thursday morning, at like freaking 5AM, I woke up to get ready for the big trip down to Chicago. Busyness reigned, and everyone scurried about packing, cleaning up, and just plain getting ready. We drove 4 hours out of Indiana and ended up in the busy town, lost but excited. The street naming and direction system in the United States is actually really cool and easy to follow... but there are hundreds of streets and avenues to go to, which makes it really hard. Chicago is like... 10 times bigger than KL. And I was driving. Mmmmm...

Anyway, we checked into the hotel (finally) called Red Roof Inn. It wasn't really a very good hotel, but we had to do with what we have. The hotel I'm in right now is way better. So for the first day, we walked around trying to shop for stuff. Unfortunately everything was expensive and 'fasionable' so we couldn't really find anything to buy. We spent the entire day just walking around trying to find our way.

I saw this huge-ass McD's though. It was massive... it had 15 flat screen TV's all over the place, bellowing propaganda for McDonalds 24 hours a day. There were cars everywhere, EVERYWHERE. There was no space to park, just enough space to walk, and thank god it was cold. Probably would have died suffocating in the smog.

Spring break down here in Chicago has been really really busy!

• Drove through a real American city.
• Had my first glass of champange.
• Saw many cute little doggies!
• Enjoyed the night as only gentlemen could enjoy it.
• Met a very interesting Kitty.
• Went to a Navy Pier.
• Walked. For hours.
• Drove. For hours.
• Shopped. For hours.
• Almost killed us all driving on the wrong side of the road.
• Bought many, many things.
• Finally got the hat of my dreams. Almost.
• I spent way too much money. (600+!!!!)

I think I'll be starving myself for the next few months. Maybe. Need to save money. =(. Holidays are expensive ventures.

All in all, I think this trip was very much enjoyable and worth it, tho it does suck that the break is only one week. It feels all too short. Oh well. Life is short, and we must live it as best we can. :D

Across The Universe is the best, fucking, show in the world.

The

Best

Fucking

Show

EVER.

THE END.

Have you seen Mr. Kite lately?

It's spring break!

.. and I am starting it off with a glass of Chardonnay wine, with some really chilling music and the snow outside making the world seem like a hazy but very beautiful one. I have a week's worth of doing nothing, will be going to Chicago next week with my Malaysian friends to get a view of the new world I am in.

Everything feels so peaceful now. When I first came, I wondered whether I could cope with the sudden change of life. I wondered if I would go crazy with the new things happening here: A new place, a new life, no friends, no one I really knew here.

I guess most of those fears are gone. I have friends here from the same college as me, and we've been through enough to make them close enough for me. I am thankful that there is at least some small link I have to home. Without them I think I would have gone crazy with boredom and loneliness a long time ago.

I'm very much a family and familiarity person, I think. Keeping to the old ways is always easier than making new ones from scratch. I think it's really great that I have some people to turn to in times of real loneliness, when I have no one else to hang out with. I always take a long time to make friends, but those that I do make are always good ones.

The little room I have here in the dormitories feels so much like a home to me. I guess I've adapted well. Walking the streets, seeing these foreign people, doesn't really affect me anymore. I mean, they're still new, but I don't wonder at things anymore. They're just people after all.

Slowly, but surely, I think I'm going to like it here.


Slowly but surely.

The previous post never really did justice to how much I miss my little lady back home... hehe. There's just some days when I just can't seem to write I suppose. But I really do miss doing those little things that I would do for her.

There's just a certain joy that can be found with the people you truly love. There's just that little thing that makes you smile, those little things that you will forever remember as the defining features of the love you have. Sometimes I walk home, and I find that I am smiling because of the simple joy of doing things with her. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's just a simple, wonderful kind of feeling. It's especially impact-ful because it's just so simple.

So it's just a little anti-climatic that I wouldn't be able to do much for her birthday. There were so many things that I've done for her, that were quite long ago that I just can't remember right now because it's been so long since I've done them. I remember things like the fireball, the cards, the ring, and all of them were really fun things because they were so simple.

Everyone's always worried about the complicated things, about those big-ass problems that everyone's faces are pushed into. I worry about the smallest things sometimes, but I know that both big and small things are the important things. Why else would I bother to make sure that every day is something special? Why else would I consider each moment important? Even though I might not be the best at conveying the feeling that I am enjoying the moment with her, I think maybe, in a way, she knows. I certainly hope so.

What do you do?

My little lady had her birthday celebration just yesterday. It sounded like lots of fun when she told me about it, and I am glad. She can still have fun without me, which is great. She still wants me there, which is even better I must say ;).

It's my first year not actually doing anything for her birthday, and it feels strange. I'm sure I'll make it up to her when I go back, but it's always different when it's on a seperate day.

Oh well.

I shall go look for food.

Everyone hurts.

In their own way, everyone hurts. Every time someone hurts, there is no worse hurt out in the world. We can always say 'Hey, look; the shit out there is much more smellier than yours,' and it could very well be true. Of course, there is no worse shit than the shit you are feeling my friend.

I say this because I do not think anyone could possibly say that their hurt is 'different', 'more painful', 'theirs is not as bad as mine'. Everyone is hurt. That is what matters. Some people say that comparing pain makes it easier. Others, like me, think that no matter what you do, it's all the same shit: I am in pain, nothing else matters.

So who the hell are you to say that 'Their pain not as pain as mine ok!' or 'They hurt only like that, not as bad as mine.'? Who are you indeed?

Everyone hurts. A person who has been lonely their entire lives and yearns for the solid foundation of that special someone hurts the same way as a person who has lost that foundation. The essential part is that both parties are feeling sad. Both of them have experienced something you will never understand, unless it has happened to you. I think we become blinded to how it felt when we were the same way as others, or if we never actually felt that built-up sense of emptiness.

I get irritated sometimes when I hear people say 'Don't bother me, I am in such emotional pain', especially when I try to give them a bit of perspective by giving them comparisons. 'It's not the same!' they would wail. Self-centered-ness is human. I understand that. And then I become normal again.

I love myself. And the people who made me, me.
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Picture this:
You are walking along on a sunny day in the park, any park. The birds are singing, the breeze is blowing a cool song in your ears, and all you can see in the sky is fluffy clouds chasing each other merrily. The world is a great place, and you are there to enjoy it.

Then, a shabbily dressed man walks from the other side of the road you are on. He has a battered old cap, torn jeans and a hole-y jacket. Think of a beggar, if you will. He looks unshaved, unwashed, and without a home. He is walking near you. You have 3 choices, answer truthfully to yourself:

a) Walk past him, wrinkling your nose or thinking 'ugh poor man'
b) Take a different path
c) Just walk.
d) Stop and try to do something else
e) shoot yourself.

What did you think? Did you wrinkle your nose inwardly in slight disgust? Did you look upon him with pity? Did you move out of the way or change your paths? You know your own answer. Some of you might have answered contrary to what you would have done.

What was all this about?

Everyone judges. Everyone makes decisions on what to think of others. No one can escape that damning human trait. It is how people survive, in a way. Judge how others think of you, and be prepared to face whatever might be coming.

But how many of us can say that after judging, we let those judgements go? How many of us can really change our minds about people? How many of us can take people at face value, at what they tell us? How many of us don't delve deeply into what it is in front of us? We judge, oh yes, we judge. We look at a poor man and wrinkle our nose in disgust or pity. We look at a poor man and think of helping him. How many of us look at a poor man and just see a man? How many of us just walk past him like any other human being? How many do nothing, think nothing, say nothing, because we just don't know the man?

There are no fingers pointed, there never should be. Judging is in our nature. Judging is in our blood. You judge. I judge. All of us do. The difference between you and me?

I let it slide.

I can look at a person and think of many many things. I can say he's gay, straight, annoying, looks okay, lousy sense of fashion, loud, soft, hot, cold, whatever. The other day, I went to a small discussion thing, and I saw this bunch of people there. There were two guys who had very gay voices: light and smooth. Feminine. I thought, hm, gay? One of them talked to me, and his voice just said 'Gay' in my mind.

But then, I let it slide. I did not change the way I acted, I did not change the way I spoke, I did not look away, I didn't act like anything would affect me. I did not feel any different.

And then he spoke to me some more, and that built an image of who he was in my mind.

And then much later on, they said they were gay.

And I still felt the same. They were just guys. Guys with different tastes, yes, but essentially just guys. Some of my friends would get disgusted by that. Some of my friends would try to avoid them. Some make fun of gays. Some have no comment, but are inwardly... you know.

Do you let it slide?

Mmm...

The other day, I had just finished class and was walking home. I was feeling quite down for no apparent reason. It was as if life was just pressing on me, squeezing the life out of me, making me feel like it was all for nothing. There's always work to do, nothing to eat, homes to miss, cold to fight. My walk slowed as I contemplated just what it was that made me feel like crap.

Then I thought of very much happier thoughts: My ring, the joy, the simplicity, the wonders, the childlike glee, the heart-warming effort. Home is where the heart is, and that home is a simple one. And I want to go home. Soon.

I'll be taking more subjects to speed things up!
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I'm spending a butt-load over here... meals and daily life are really eating up cash. Which sucks, because the variety of meals here is meager at best, unless I walk 30 minutes downtown or take a bus to the mall.

I also have to buy lots of things, like an external hard drive for my laptop because the space is just too small. I can't imagine the amount I'll be spending for next semester.

I'll be moving to a new home in the Fall semester with some other Malaysians. It's cheaper and we're together, so it'll be a great thing to do. The only crappy part is that I have to find a place to stuff all my stuff for the summer. This year, I'll be moving a grand total of 3 (4 if you count moving in to my current dorm) times. Wonderful.

I'm off!

February 14th, a day where many couples will be seen out and about, honoring their spouse in the best way they can... (or in Jon's case, the looks-the-most-expensive-but-actually-the-cheapest)

I spent mine doing nothing.

My little lady is far, far away in Malaysia, and all I can do here now is reminisce on the good times we had, and the great times we will have in the future.

It feels different.

Every year, without fail, I would do something for Valentines Day. There would always be a little card up my sleeve just waiting to be shown at the right time, surprising that little woman with some devious plan or enchanting little event. There was the ring, the necklace, the candlelit dinner, the ball of flame... ah, simple and neat, wondrous in all its unexpected surprises.

It's a wonder that people really need to find a specific day to honor their spouse. But I think it might be a good thing. Having a day for Valentines is like setting a permanent and visible goal; you can't avoid it because everyone knows about it, and if you do you're an asshole. You can go about saying hey, it's only a hyped up day for everyone to jack up prices on anything remotely romantic... but in the end, why look at it negatively?

Like I said, Valentines is like a goal: Everyone knows it's there. Everyone expects you to keep up with that goal. Why not?

Take your spouse or your loved one out to an expensive dinner (don't roll your eyes Jon.), do something special that you've never done before; be the cliche that everyone seems to want to avoid - but secretly wants to be in. Take that day as the uberly special day where magic will happen (and magic did happen with mine).

Valentines is special. No one can deny that. People may say it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time. In some ways, it is. You can love your significant other every day. It just takes alot of effort and dedication. But a goal always helps to set the standard, always helps to give you a kick in the ass that asks the dire question of whether you care enough to do something.

I'd have loved to do something. I just don't know what. Life is too different now.

What did you do?

Another day, another day.

My head sort of hurts from all the math work I've been trying to comprehend. Well, actually just one question. Something about Bayes Probability and some such stuff. The formula is just giving me trouble. I don't really understand how they can play around with all the formulas and get the answer. Bayes must have been a freaking genius to think this stuff up.

But I think I get it now. I think. It's like If A = B and A = C, and B and C are the same under certain conditions, and A is used to find D, you can find out what D is by using C if B isn't given, but A is.

Fucked up right?

Oh well. I'm chilling now with a can of Coke and nothing else on my mind. I'm going to have to present this stuff tomorrow, so I will be typing away at a presentation handout soon. Which sucks. Oh well.
_________________

I fried me up a new dish! A rather simple one - as usual - but it tasted pretty good and that's all that matters! I fried garlic, threw in chopped up potatoes and mushrooms, then fried merrily away until I had some really nice golden brown potatoes and shrivelled mushrooms.. which tasted really nice! I swear!

So there you have it... one new dish for me, and one big step to becoming a wif-- I mean a chef. I wonder what my next masterpiece will be... hmmm...

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I'm growing fat again. My resolution to go to the gym everyday has been smashed to little pieces by the cold, and swept underneath the carpeted floor by work. It's a cruel, cruel world out there. Bloomington's weather is a bit of a douchebag; Hey! 14 celsius today! Go out and enjoy! Nah I'm just kidding here you go -8 celsius you dumbass.

Freakin weather. Cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.

Made me get a horrible cough for like 2 weeks.

Meh.
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I'm getting sick of pizza. But I still want to eat it. How sad is that? It's like I order pizza because it's nice... then when I eat it I don't want to, but I have to, and I also want to when I don't really want to... you get the point.

The price of food here makes me want to cry. RM30 for a meal of pizza and coke. RM30 for a meal of ONE (1) vegetable and some rice. What choice do I have?
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Happy Chinese New Year!

Well now... Chinese New Year celebrations have gone on for quite some time all across the world, and I enjoyed my own little party with the few Malaysians here...

Went to Tulip Tree - an apartment complex for students - to enjoy some steamboat, drinking and gambling, three things that could possibly be symbols of Chinese culture. The steamboat was some Tomyam-ish soup, but it was still nice. Some girls cooked up all the food and served it, pretty awesome I must say. I had spring rolls, seafood, and fried rice.

Right now I'm just chilling in my friends' house, getting ready to screw around with Age of Empries III. This is like our new nightly activity. Fun stuff, something to do to bond!

I'm off, don't know what else to type.

Another long week has passed.

It's the weekend, and I'm sitting in my room not doing much. I actually don't know what to do. I've got some work for the coming week, but it's Saturday damnit! No work is to be done on Saturdays! Saturdays are supposed to be days for rest, for fun, for doing nothing! And that's what I'm doing. Nothing.

And it irks me, somehow.

Damn the cold.

I sort of ran out of activities I could do on a weekend. Bloomington's like that; there's nothing here other than the university unless you have a car. Everything's so far away =(.

I just ate microwave dinners... and they're horrible. Superbly horrible. I will never eat another one again (even though I probably will...). The stuff is dry, a little tasty, always salty, and not really nice. But, in times of desperation..

I also tried the instant noodles they make here... and it sucks. Nothing beats Indomee. NOTHING. This is like... a 3 out of 10. Indomee would be a 7 out of 10, and 3 extra points goes to how you cook it. Maruchan Ramen is... blah. Sucks. It's just the dry noodles with some powder for flavored soup. Yucks.

AHHH. The loneliness of having few to no friends to screw around with is really, really trying on one's mind.

I want to go home. I can't, but I want to.

Where's my goddamn char kuey teow!?

The stuff of heroes...

America could be very well known for its belief in freedom: Freedom of speech, freedom to believe, freedom to do anything which is not against the law. Its value on the right to live free is almost legendary by now. What more could be said of this love of freedom than the idea of a super hero?

The greatest and most noble of people who sacrifice themselves to save the day! They battle foes and super villains, keeping the world safe for us puny mortals. Songs have been sung, comics have been drawn, and movies have been made for these mighty masters of the universe. At the end of a long day, after hours of frustrating math, I saw my first All-American Superhero...

American Bubble Wrap Man.

'Greetings citizen!'

I startled at such a formal hello. I waved awkwardly as the supreme image of a man fully dressed in red and blue colored bubble wrap walked up towards me.

'Have you seen any super villains about tonight?' he cheerfully asked.

Jeez, this guy even has the accent of a superhero down. I replied no, overawed by his presence. Wreathed in the finest blue and red bubble wrap, with a long cape of the flag of America, he wielded a mighty rubber hammer which would smite his foes with a squeak. As I walked on, he randomly greeted more people and asked the same question.

Later on, I overheard him reveal one of his greatest weaknesses. So bold! It was as if he were inviting evil villains to try using his weakness, but he would just overcome it with a swing of his mighty rubber hammer.

'Trees and wind are my only weakness!' he cried out.

He tried to chop down the tree with a mighty swing of his hammer. It whistled with deadly accuracy and bounced off the trunk.

'Damn you foliage! Damn youuuu!'

I walked on into the night, knowing that - at least for tonight - I would be just a little safer with a great man like him walking around. I felt at peace, because the world was being watched over by such people as American Bubble Wrap Man.

I laughed my ass off when I got far enough.

On cooking, and life.

I just used my rice cooker for the first time!

...and I failed.

Pfft. I thought I'd just put 1/4 of a cup of rice just for me, with like 2 big cups of water. It looked right, but apparantly I was wrong. First timer, yes, but still. All I got was one measly scoop of rice. 1. ONE. Uno. Satu. Yi. Yat. That's like 6 table spoons worth. Probably less. To top it all off, the rice cooker kept bubbling over. Probably because of the huge amount of water I put... mmm... and the rice was all squishy; not so bad, but expected rice instead of porridge.

I fried up a mean helping of Spam though. It was freaking nice, that. Spam. Mmmm... pork. Just like home ;). I used way too much oil though. I had to pour the oil back into a little tupperware to save it for the next time... economical, you know.
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It's a dull life here in IUB so far. Went to a party to meet some people, was a small birthday and I drank a little too much. Yay for me. I did get to enjoy a bit of the night life here, and I must admit that it is really cool... very different from Malaysia's clubs. Here it's more like house party galore.
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The nights here are just beautiful though... I can see the stars through clear skies, and the full moon shines cheerily from its lofty seat. On the walks home at night, I stop and look up, staring at the sky. The clouds zip past as the wind blows them past the white surface of the moon. Stars are twinkling pretty brightly, saying hello to the world down below. All you can hear is the breeze amongst the barren trees (it is winter). I wonder how it'd be like when the leaves are out again...

... and I dash right home, because it's freaking cold. So much for enjoying my time with nature.
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Today my little lady finally got her internet!!!1111oneoneoneexclamationmark. I felt so happy, being able to chat with her again... wonderful joy.

I shall not make you turn your eyes away in disgust as I enjoy my source of happiness.

But you already read it. Muahahaahhahaha.

How are you doin'?

Grey Goose... woo!

Hello everyone! I've been drinking a bit, so my fingers feel so free-flowish and fun. I'm not high, just a little tipsy. Today was a pretty fun day, though I do feel a little guilty from spending so much money again:

I woke up at 9.30 to get ready to go out with my Malaysian friends to Whitehall and Wal-Mart. It was a really cold morning, what with -15 celsius and chilling winds. I waited for Raof, and got a sandwich to eat on the way. Eating with my bare fingers without a hat was my first mistake. It. Was. Cold. Really. I couldn't feel my ears for 15 minutes after I put my hat on.

We took a cab to a place called Campus Auto Rental, and rented a car for about two days. A good decision! The car was $10 a person, with insurance, so it was a pretty decent deal. Considering the distance we traveled. All the cars here are at least 2.0. AT LEAST. A 2.0 in America is like a 3.5 in Malaysia: Extremely rare. Normally the cars here are 3.0 liter engines. How freaking awesome is that? You get to drive a really fast car for cheap! Boo to Malaysia's boring old Kancils. The car we got was like worth $3000. RM10,000. What the hell, you can get a 2.4 car for the downpayment of a Malaysian car.

We first went to Wal-Mart, one of the superstores of the United States. I bought lots of stuff worth about $250. RM800 in one day, wow! Well that wouldn't be the end of it; at least I bought nice stuff, like a rice cooker, speakers (music!), tupperware, a fridge... I feel so independant! Hahah.

I bought 2 pairs of shoes in Whitehall after that. Two pairs of beeeutiful Nike shoes. One for basketball, and one for cross-training. I like playing basketball very much, and I was a bit ashamed of myself for playing barefoot in a recent match at the recreation center. Yes, I was freaking barefoot while in a nice shiny indoor court. I just had to buy them. Really.

After that, we went to celebrate another Malaysian's birthday. A girl named Kaphana. During that time, I guess I made new Malaysian friends by talking more (yay for me!). We had dinner at a restaurant called Red Lobster. The food was pretty good, though expensive. The dish I especially loved was the Tequila-thingy Shrimp. God those were so awesome. Although they're not as good as butter prawns in Malaysia, but it was pretty close.

After dinner, we went to the Big Red liquor store to buy booze for the birthday girl's party. Being 21, I was the one sent to brave the world of alcohol. Have I told you of the wonders of America? The alcohol store here is big. B-I-G. There is alcohol everywhere, for prices lower than even Langkawi. W T F. Wonder! I bought some Grey Goose for myself, and a bottle of Absolut Citron for the birthday girl, awesome shit that.

We went to her house to have a nice conversation as well as give her a cake. It was pretty fun! Gave her a nice decorated glass box with the bottle of Vodka in it. WOW. So we chatted, ate and drank a little (really little). I found a new favourite! Bacardi Apple. That stuff is really nice to me, because I like apple. Anyway, we chatted and all that and enjoyed some interesting conversation.

At 12AM we got up, and brought a cake to her. She was so shocked (and would later thank us for the great surprise; it was the best birthday she ever had) that she had a really big smile. Later, we sprayed her with whipped cream, and all of us got some in turn.

I shall stop typing because all of you think I'm super high. I'm not. -_-.

Have a good day!

The snow...

... is falling again. I just got back from Sarvveen's house, and the snow was actually really pretty. Glittering roads and the night-scene background just fit so nicely, black and white. I saw cars covered in snow and it was a very peaceful environment. And it really wasn't all that cold...

Because I just took a sip of a new high: Bacardi 151 degrees. Christ that shit is powerful stuff. It's 75.5% alcohol, and it evaporated in my mouth and went through my nose. I still feel it burning inside. Wow. Awesome stuff, but I can't possibly take that neat or I'd probably die. It was a very fun experience. I was actually warm in sub-zero temperatures. What the hell?

Alcohol has its uses. ^_^

Some interesting observations...

Another day of snow... whoopeee. Freaking white stuff isn't exactly cocaine falling from the sky. Remember my smoking shoes? Yeah. It's going to be that cold again. Wonderful.

About the topic: The toilets here... they are interesting. They flush as if they can suck down baby heads with ease. They are so loud they sound like a vacuum cleaner. The shit-suckers here are louder than a freakin' airplane toilet. That is how violent the toilets here are. I got shocked the first time I flushed. Then I wondered: 'Maybe the shit here is so big they need powerful suction.'

Not a pretty thought.

So yes, another week of classes are here. Haven't really made new friends, though I talk a liiiiitle bit more than I am used to (read: one extra sentence a conversation! Yay me!). I have tried the Sports and Recreation Center (whatever the hell you call it) here. Weight training, sports, an indoor pool and track, whatever you want it's there. And it's all included in my semester fees. 2 hours a day of exercising and I'll come back more manly than you can remember me! =p

The classes here seem easy enough... seem. Don't think the hectic panicking will start too soon (I hope). My room's as messy as I want it to be, praise be to my godlike indifference. I'm messing around on my blog when I should be completing assignments... hmm... not a good sign.

Oh well!

I'm 21...! part 2

It's interesting to see how removed I am from most of life. I've never really felt involved in much. I'm always the guy who's watching from afar, the one who wants in but no one really wants him in. Events may happen, and all I feel is indifference. I don't feel the passion others feel. I don't feel connected to the event. I give really decent advice, really. I have some experience in certain matters. No one really consults me though.

I feel left out.

Perhaps this is life's way of making it fair for all of us: I live a relatively uneventful life, a very good one at that. The trade-off is that the life I live is... uneventful. There are no major fights that happen to me, no break-ups and tearful separations (amen to that), no bitching at each other in anger. I don't even... understand (?) how people can become so heated in a simple conversation. A few times in my life, people have fought around me, and all I can feel is just an observant curiousity.

I walk amongst people, alone and unnoticed. I listen in on people's conversations, primarily because they don't care who can hear them. It's really interesting to hear things candidly. However, it sort of points out that I am the one outside listening in. The party's inside and it is rowdy. Things are happening, but I'm just looking through the window. Why is it that way?
Perhaps, as I said, this is life's way of making a balance of people: There are those who are living totally fucked up, packed-with-events lives; and there are those who live uneventful lives which are fulfilling but slow.

In the end, I think my life suits me just fine. I wouldn't give up my great family, my wonderful friends, and my loving little lady for excitement.

What would you prefer?

I'm 21...!

... And no one seems to care. =(. This is like the most uneventful birthday I have ever had. Kind of sad, but what could I expect in a foreign country eh? Maybe tomorrow I'll get smashed in a bar or something... but with who? Bleh.

As I walked home today, the stars were shining pretty brightly in the clear skies. Bloomington has this peaceful feeling to it, where nothing really happens (because nothing *ever* happens so far). I walk and walk, thinking. Suddenly, a question occurs to me:

Have you ever dreamed of reaching for the stars? To touch those sparkling lights in the sky? I expanded on this metaphor. Have you ever dreamed of being something? Anything? Remember those times in elementary school or high school, where the teachers asked 'What would you want to be?' You'd get a variety of responses like being a policeman, a doctor, a lawyer, a fire-fighter, a businessman. Everyone has at one point talked about their dream, their goal, their future.

It struck me as extremely sad that I've never truly had a dream. I've never thought of the stars as lofty goals I want to reach for; I've never thought of stars as new heights to achieve. Even as a kid, I looked up and appreciated the view of twinkling lights. I never thought of them as a physical manifestation of how far I should go for. I never really had a goal in life at all; never thought of being a policeman, never thought of protecting the country, never thought of my future much.

As I walked, I opened up my view more: I've never had the need nor the inclination to look for god. I am sometimes even vehemently against the notion of God. My mom can attest to this, with all the skid marks on the floor from dragging me to this religion and that. I've never felt the presence of God in life, never felt an external power exerting its will over me. Maybe those who feel God have some sort of direction in life? I wouldn't know.

Many people I know have aspirations they are striving to: My brother wants to be a great chef (and he's getting there). My friend Cat wants to become a programmer (or something like that). My mother wants to 'enrich the world with her presence' (and she tries). My dad wants to provide water to the world (a good plan). My friend WP has the interest and ability to go into graphics design (or something to do with drawing). Other friends are pointed arrow-straight to the careers that they are thinking of. What the hell are my goals? What do I want to do?

I don't know.

Does this reflect on how my life is like? On what my perspective of life is? Because all I can think of is the end-destination I want: A house, a car, a dog, a wife and at least two kids, enough money to eat good food once a week. How many of us have goals like that? How many decide early on that one will get married, have kids and just settle down? How fucking ancient-cave-man thinking is that?

Perhaps my go-with-the-flow-slow-slow made me this way. Perhaps I'm just lazy. What can I do to make my mark in this world? Who knows. Maybe I'll just be some nameless worker slugging it out to make my family happy. Maybe.

What do you aspire to be?
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