My little lady had her birthday celebration just yesterday. It sounded like lots of fun when she told me about it, and I am glad. She can still have fun without me, which is great. She still wants me there, which is even better I must say ;).
It's my first year not actually doing anything for her birthday, and it feels strange. I'm sure I'll make it up to her when I go back, but it's always different when it's on a seperate day.
Oh well.
I shall go look for food.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Everyone hurts.
In their own way, everyone hurts. Every time someone hurts, there is no worse hurt out in the world. We can always say 'Hey, look; the shit out there is much more smellier than yours,' and it could very well be true. Of course, there is no worse shit than the shit you are feeling my friend.
I say this because I do not think anyone could possibly say that their hurt is 'different', 'more painful', 'theirs is not as bad as mine'. Everyone is hurt. That is what matters. Some people say that comparing pain makes it easier. Others, like me, think that no matter what you do, it's all the same shit: I am in pain, nothing else matters.
So who the hell are you to say that 'Their pain not as pain as mine ok!' or 'They hurt only like that, not as bad as mine.'? Who are you indeed?
Everyone hurts. A person who has been lonely their entire lives and yearns for the solid foundation of that special someone hurts the same way as a person who has lost that foundation. The essential part is that both parties are feeling sad. Both of them have experienced something you will never understand, unless it has happened to you. I think we become blinded to how it felt when we were the same way as others, or if we never actually felt that built-up sense of emptiness.
I get irritated sometimes when I hear people say 'Don't bother me, I am in such emotional pain', especially when I try to give them a bit of perspective by giving them comparisons. 'It's not the same!' they would wail. Self-centered-ness is human. I understand that. And then I become normal again.
I love myself. And the people who made me, me.
___________________________________
Picture this:
You are walking along on a sunny day in the park, any park. The birds are singing, the breeze is blowing a cool song in your ears, and all you can see in the sky is fluffy clouds chasing each other merrily. The world is a great place, and you are there to enjoy it.
Then, a shabbily dressed man walks from the other side of the road you are on. He has a battered old cap, torn jeans and a hole-y jacket. Think of a beggar, if you will. He looks unshaved, unwashed, and without a home. He is walking near you. You have 3 choices, answer truthfully to yourself:
a) Walk past him, wrinkling your nose or thinking 'ugh poor man'
b) Take a different path
c) Just walk.
d) Stop and try to do something else
e) shoot yourself.
What did you think? Did you wrinkle your nose inwardly in slight disgust? Did you look upon him with pity? Did you move out of the way or change your paths? You know your own answer. Some of you might have answered contrary to what you would have done.
What was all this about?
Everyone judges. Everyone makes decisions on what to think of others. No one can escape that damning human trait. It is how people survive, in a way. Judge how others think of you, and be prepared to face whatever might be coming.
But how many of us can say that after judging, we let those judgements go? How many of us can really change our minds about people? How many of us can take people at face value, at what they tell us? How many of us don't delve deeply into what it is in front of us? We judge, oh yes, we judge. We look at a poor man and wrinkle our nose in disgust or pity. We look at a poor man and think of helping him. How many of us look at a poor man and just see a man? How many of us just walk past him like any other human being? How many do nothing, think nothing, say nothing, because we just don't know the man?
There are no fingers pointed, there never should be. Judging is in our nature. Judging is in our blood. You judge. I judge. All of us do. The difference between you and me?
I let it slide.
I can look at a person and think of many many things. I can say he's gay, straight, annoying, looks okay, lousy sense of fashion, loud, soft, hot, cold, whatever. The other day, I went to a small discussion thing, and I saw this bunch of people there. There were two guys who had very gay voices: light and smooth. Feminine. I thought, hm, gay? One of them talked to me, and his voice just said 'Gay' in my mind.
But then, I let it slide. I did not change the way I acted, I did not change the way I spoke, I did not look away, I didn't act like anything would affect me. I did not feel any different.
And then he spoke to me some more, and that built an image of who he was in my mind.
And then much later on, they said they were gay.
And I still felt the same. They were just guys. Guys with different tastes, yes, but essentially just guys. Some of my friends would get disgusted by that. Some of my friends would try to avoid them. Some make fun of gays. Some have no comment, but are inwardly... you know.
Do you let it slide?
I say this because I do not think anyone could possibly say that their hurt is 'different', 'more painful', 'theirs is not as bad as mine'. Everyone is hurt. That is what matters. Some people say that comparing pain makes it easier. Others, like me, think that no matter what you do, it's all the same shit: I am in pain, nothing else matters.
So who the hell are you to say that 'Their pain not as pain as mine ok!' or 'They hurt only like that, not as bad as mine.'? Who are you indeed?
Everyone hurts. A person who has been lonely their entire lives and yearns for the solid foundation of that special someone hurts the same way as a person who has lost that foundation. The essential part is that both parties are feeling sad. Both of them have experienced something you will never understand, unless it has happened to you. I think we become blinded to how it felt when we were the same way as others, or if we never actually felt that built-up sense of emptiness.
I get irritated sometimes when I hear people say 'Don't bother me, I am in such emotional pain', especially when I try to give them a bit of perspective by giving them comparisons. 'It's not the same!' they would wail. Self-centered-ness is human. I understand that. And then I become normal again.
I love myself. And the people who made me, me.
___________________________________
Picture this:
You are walking along on a sunny day in the park, any park. The birds are singing, the breeze is blowing a cool song in your ears, and all you can see in the sky is fluffy clouds chasing each other merrily. The world is a great place, and you are there to enjoy it.
Then, a shabbily dressed man walks from the other side of the road you are on. He has a battered old cap, torn jeans and a hole-y jacket. Think of a beggar, if you will. He looks unshaved, unwashed, and without a home. He is walking near you. You have 3 choices, answer truthfully to yourself:
a) Walk past him, wrinkling your nose or thinking 'ugh poor man'
b) Take a different path
c) Just walk.
d) Stop and try to do something else
e) shoot yourself.
What did you think? Did you wrinkle your nose inwardly in slight disgust? Did you look upon him with pity? Did you move out of the way or change your paths? You know your own answer. Some of you might have answered contrary to what you would have done.
What was all this about?
Everyone judges. Everyone makes decisions on what to think of others. No one can escape that damning human trait. It is how people survive, in a way. Judge how others think of you, and be prepared to face whatever might be coming.
But how many of us can say that after judging, we let those judgements go? How many of us can really change our minds about people? How many of us can take people at face value, at what they tell us? How many of us don't delve deeply into what it is in front of us? We judge, oh yes, we judge. We look at a poor man and wrinkle our nose in disgust or pity. We look at a poor man and think of helping him. How many of us look at a poor man and just see a man? How many of us just walk past him like any other human being? How many do nothing, think nothing, say nothing, because we just don't know the man?
There are no fingers pointed, there never should be. Judging is in our nature. Judging is in our blood. You judge. I judge. All of us do. The difference between you and me?
I let it slide.
I can look at a person and think of many many things. I can say he's gay, straight, annoying, looks okay, lousy sense of fashion, loud, soft, hot, cold, whatever. The other day, I went to a small discussion thing, and I saw this bunch of people there. There were two guys who had very gay voices: light and smooth. Feminine. I thought, hm, gay? One of them talked to me, and his voice just said 'Gay' in my mind.
But then, I let it slide. I did not change the way I acted, I did not change the way I spoke, I did not look away, I didn't act like anything would affect me. I did not feel any different.
And then he spoke to me some more, and that built an image of who he was in my mind.
And then much later on, they said they were gay.
And I still felt the same. They were just guys. Guys with different tastes, yes, but essentially just guys. Some of my friends would get disgusted by that. Some of my friends would try to avoid them. Some make fun of gays. Some have no comment, but are inwardly... you know.
Do you let it slide?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Mmm...
The other day, I had just finished class and was walking home. I was feeling quite down for no apparent reason. It was as if life was just pressing on me, squeezing the life out of me, making me feel like it was all for nothing. There's always work to do, nothing to eat, homes to miss, cold to fight. My walk slowed as I contemplated just what it was that made me feel like crap.
Then I thought of very much happier thoughts: My ring, the joy, the simplicity, the wonders, the childlike glee, the heart-warming effort. Home is where the heart is, and that home is a simple one. And I want to go home. Soon.
I'll be taking more subjects to speed things up!
__________________________________
I'm spending a butt-load over here... meals and daily life are really eating up cash. Which sucks, because the variety of meals here is meager at best, unless I walk 30 minutes downtown or take a bus to the mall.
I also have to buy lots of things, like an external hard drive for my laptop because the space is just too small. I can't imagine the amount I'll be spending for next semester.
I'll be moving to a new home in the Fall semester with some other Malaysians. It's cheaper and we're together, so it'll be a great thing to do. The only crappy part is that I have to find a place to stuff all my stuff for the summer. This year, I'll be moving a grand total of 3 (4 if you count moving in to my current dorm) times. Wonderful.
I'm off!
Then I thought of very much happier thoughts: My ring, the joy, the simplicity, the wonders, the childlike glee, the heart-warming effort. Home is where the heart is, and that home is a simple one. And I want to go home. Soon.
I'll be taking more subjects to speed things up!
__________________________________
I'm spending a butt-load over here... meals and daily life are really eating up cash. Which sucks, because the variety of meals here is meager at best, unless I walk 30 minutes downtown or take a bus to the mall.
I also have to buy lots of things, like an external hard drive for my laptop because the space is just too small. I can't imagine the amount I'll be spending for next semester.
I'll be moving to a new home in the Fall semester with some other Malaysians. It's cheaper and we're together, so it'll be a great thing to do. The only crappy part is that I have to find a place to stuff all my stuff for the summer. This year, I'll be moving a grand total of 3 (4 if you count moving in to my current dorm) times. Wonderful.
I'm off!
Friday, February 15, 2008
February 14th, a day where many couples will be seen out and about, honoring their spouse in the best way they can... (or in Jon's case, the looks-the-most-expensive-but-actually-the-cheapest)
I spent mine doing nothing.
My little lady is far, far away in Malaysia, and all I can do here now is reminisce on the good times we had, and the great times we will have in the future.
It feels different.
Every year, without fail, I would do something for Valentines Day. There would always be a little card up my sleeve just waiting to be shown at the right time, surprising that little woman with some devious plan or enchanting little event. There was the ring, the necklace, the candlelit dinner, the ball of flame... ah, simple and neat, wondrous in all its unexpected surprises.
It's a wonder that people really need to find a specific day to honor their spouse. But I think it might be a good thing. Having a day for Valentines is like setting a permanent and visible goal; you can't avoid it because everyone knows about it, and if you do you're an asshole. You can go about saying hey, it's only a hyped up day for everyone to jack up prices on anything remotely romantic... but in the end, why look at it negatively?
Like I said, Valentines is like a goal: Everyone knows it's there. Everyone expects you to keep up with that goal. Why not?
Take your spouse or your loved one out to an expensive dinner (don't roll your eyes Jon.), do something special that you've never done before; be the cliche that everyone seems to want to avoid - but secretly wants to be in. Take that day as the uberly special day where magic will happen (and magic did happen with mine).
Valentines is special. No one can deny that. People may say it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time. In some ways, it is. You can love your significant other every day. It just takes alot of effort and dedication. But a goal always helps to set the standard, always helps to give you a kick in the ass that asks the dire question of whether you care enough to do something.
I'd have loved to do something. I just don't know what. Life is too different now.
What did you do?
I spent mine doing nothing.
My little lady is far, far away in Malaysia, and all I can do here now is reminisce on the good times we had, and the great times we will have in the future.
It feels different.
Every year, without fail, I would do something for Valentines Day. There would always be a little card up my sleeve just waiting to be shown at the right time, surprising that little woman with some devious plan or enchanting little event. There was the ring, the necklace, the candlelit dinner, the ball of flame... ah, simple and neat, wondrous in all its unexpected surprises.
It's a wonder that people really need to find a specific day to honor their spouse. But I think it might be a good thing. Having a day for Valentines is like setting a permanent and visible goal; you can't avoid it because everyone knows about it, and if you do you're an asshole. You can go about saying hey, it's only a hyped up day for everyone to jack up prices on anything remotely romantic... but in the end, why look at it negatively?
Like I said, Valentines is like a goal: Everyone knows it's there. Everyone expects you to keep up with that goal. Why not?
Take your spouse or your loved one out to an expensive dinner (don't roll your eyes Jon.), do something special that you've never done before; be the cliche that everyone seems to want to avoid - but secretly wants to be in. Take that day as the uberly special day where magic will happen (and magic did happen with mine).
Valentines is special. No one can deny that. People may say it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time. In some ways, it is. You can love your significant other every day. It just takes alot of effort and dedication. But a goal always helps to set the standard, always helps to give you a kick in the ass that asks the dire question of whether you care enough to do something.
I'd have loved to do something. I just don't know what. Life is too different now.
What did you do?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Another day, another day.
My head sort of hurts from all the math work I've been trying to comprehend. Well, actually just one question. Something about Bayes Probability and some such stuff. The formula is just giving me trouble. I don't really understand how they can play around with all the formulas and get the answer. Bayes must have been a freaking genius to think this stuff up.
But I think I get it now. I think. It's like If A = B and A = C, and B and C are the same under certain conditions, and A is used to find D, you can find out what D is by using C if B isn't given, but A is.
Fucked up right?
Oh well. I'm chilling now with a can of Coke and nothing else on my mind. I'm going to have to present this stuff tomorrow, so I will be typing away at a presentation handout soon. Which sucks. Oh well.
_________________
I fried me up a new dish! A rather simple one - as usual - but it tasted pretty good and that's all that matters! I fried garlic, threw in chopped up potatoes and mushrooms, then fried merrily away until I had some really nice golden brown potatoes and shrivelled mushrooms.. which tasted really nice! I swear!
So there you have it... one new dish for me, and one big step to becoming a wif-- I mean a chef. I wonder what my next masterpiece will be... hmmm...
_________________
I'm growing fat again. My resolution to go to the gym everyday has been smashed to little pieces by the cold, and swept underneath the carpeted floor by work. It's a cruel, cruel world out there. Bloomington's weather is a bit of a douchebag; Hey! 14 celsius today! Go out and enjoy! Nah I'm just kidding here you go -8 celsius you dumbass.
Freakin weather. Cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.
Made me get a horrible cough for like 2 weeks.
Meh.
_________________
I'm getting sick of pizza. But I still want to eat it. How sad is that? It's like I order pizza because it's nice... then when I eat it I don't want to, but I have to, and I also want to when I don't really want to... you get the point.
The price of food here makes me want to cry. RM30 for a meal of pizza and coke. RM30 for a meal of ONE (1) vegetable and some rice. What choice do I have?
_________________
My head sort of hurts from all the math work I've been trying to comprehend. Well, actually just one question. Something about Bayes Probability and some such stuff. The formula is just giving me trouble. I don't really understand how they can play around with all the formulas and get the answer. Bayes must have been a freaking genius to think this stuff up.
But I think I get it now. I think. It's like If A = B and A = C, and B and C are the same under certain conditions, and A is used to find D, you can find out what D is by using C if B isn't given, but A is.
Fucked up right?
Oh well. I'm chilling now with a can of Coke and nothing else on my mind. I'm going to have to present this stuff tomorrow, so I will be typing away at a presentation handout soon. Which sucks. Oh well.
_________________
I fried me up a new dish! A rather simple one - as usual - but it tasted pretty good and that's all that matters! I fried garlic, threw in chopped up potatoes and mushrooms, then fried merrily away until I had some really nice golden brown potatoes and shrivelled mushrooms.. which tasted really nice! I swear!
So there you have it... one new dish for me, and one big step to becoming a wif-- I mean a chef. I wonder what my next masterpiece will be... hmmm...
_________________
I'm growing fat again. My resolution to go to the gym everyday has been smashed to little pieces by the cold, and swept underneath the carpeted floor by work. It's a cruel, cruel world out there. Bloomington's weather is a bit of a douchebag; Hey! 14 celsius today! Go out and enjoy! Nah I'm just kidding here you go -8 celsius you dumbass.
Freakin weather. Cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.
Made me get a horrible cough for like 2 weeks.
Meh.
_________________
I'm getting sick of pizza. But I still want to eat it. How sad is that? It's like I order pizza because it's nice... then when I eat it I don't want to, but I have to, and I also want to when I don't really want to... you get the point.
The price of food here makes me want to cry. RM30 for a meal of pizza and coke. RM30 for a meal of ONE (1) vegetable and some rice. What choice do I have?
_________________
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year!
Well now... Chinese New Year celebrations have gone on for quite some time all across the world, and I enjoyed my own little party with the few Malaysians here...
Went to Tulip Tree - an apartment complex for students - to enjoy some steamboat, drinking and gambling, three things that could possibly be symbols of Chinese culture. The steamboat was some Tomyam-ish soup, but it was still nice. Some girls cooked up all the food and served it, pretty awesome I must say. I had spring rolls, seafood, and fried rice.
Right now I'm just chilling in my friends' house, getting ready to screw around with Age of Empries III. This is like our new nightly activity. Fun stuff, something to do to bond!
I'm off, don't know what else to type.
Went to Tulip Tree - an apartment complex for students - to enjoy some steamboat, drinking and gambling, three things that could possibly be symbols of Chinese culture. The steamboat was some Tomyam-ish soup, but it was still nice. Some girls cooked up all the food and served it, pretty awesome I must say. I had spring rolls, seafood, and fried rice.
Right now I'm just chilling in my friends' house, getting ready to screw around with Age of Empries III. This is like our new nightly activity. Fun stuff, something to do to bond!
I'm off, don't know what else to type.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Another long week has passed.
It's the weekend, and I'm sitting in my room not doing much. I actually don't know what to do. I've got some work for the coming week, but it's Saturday damnit! No work is to be done on Saturdays! Saturdays are supposed to be days for rest, for fun, for doing nothing! And that's what I'm doing. Nothing.
And it irks me, somehow.
Damn the cold.
I sort of ran out of activities I could do on a weekend. Bloomington's like that; there's nothing here other than the university unless you have a car. Everything's so far away =(.
I just ate microwave dinners... and they're horrible. Superbly horrible. I will never eat another one again (even though I probably will...). The stuff is dry, a little tasty, always salty, and not really nice. But, in times of desperation..
I also tried the instant noodles they make here... and it sucks. Nothing beats Indomee. NOTHING. This is like... a 3 out of 10. Indomee would be a 7 out of 10, and 3 extra points goes to how you cook it. Maruchan Ramen is... blah. Sucks. It's just the dry noodles with some powder for flavored soup. Yucks.
AHHH. The loneliness of having few to no friends to screw around with is really, really trying on one's mind.
I want to go home. I can't, but I want to.
Where's my goddamn char kuey teow!?
And it irks me, somehow.
Damn the cold.
I sort of ran out of activities I could do on a weekend. Bloomington's like that; there's nothing here other than the university unless you have a car. Everything's so far away =(.
I just ate microwave dinners... and they're horrible. Superbly horrible. I will never eat another one again (even though I probably will...). The stuff is dry, a little tasty, always salty, and not really nice. But, in times of desperation..
I also tried the instant noodles they make here... and it sucks. Nothing beats Indomee. NOTHING. This is like... a 3 out of 10. Indomee would be a 7 out of 10, and 3 extra points goes to how you cook it. Maruchan Ramen is... blah. Sucks. It's just the dry noodles with some powder for flavored soup. Yucks.
AHHH. The loneliness of having few to no friends to screw around with is really, really trying on one's mind.
I want to go home. I can't, but I want to.
Where's my goddamn char kuey teow!?
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