As I walked home today, the stars were shining pretty brightly in the clear skies. Bloomington has this peaceful feeling to it, where nothing really happens (because nothing *ever* happens so far). I walk and walk, thinking. Suddenly, a question occurs to me:
Have you ever dreamed of reaching for the stars? To touch those sparkling lights in the sky? I expanded on this metaphor. Have you ever dreamed of being something? Anything? Remember those times in elementary school or high school, where the teachers asked 'What would you want to be?' You'd get a variety of responses like being a policeman, a doctor, a lawyer, a fire-fighter, a businessman. Everyone has at one point talked about their dream, their goal, their future.
It struck me as extremely sad that I've never truly had a dream. I've never thought of the stars as lofty goals I want to reach for; I've never thought of stars as new heights to achieve. Even as a kid, I looked up and appreciated the view of twinkling lights. I never thought of them as a physical manifestation of how far I should go for. I never really had a goal in life at all; never thought of being a policeman, never thought of protecting the country, never thought of my future much.
As I walked, I opened up my view more: I've never had the need nor the inclination to look for god. I am sometimes even vehemently against the notion of God. My mom can attest to this, with all the skid marks on the floor from dragging me to this religion and that. I've never felt the presence of God in life, never felt an external power exerting its will over me. Maybe those who feel God have some sort of direction in life? I wouldn't know.
Many people I know have aspirations they are striving to: My brother wants to be a great chef (and he's getting there). My friend Cat wants to become a programmer (or something like that). My mother wants to 'enrich the world with her presence' (and she tries). My dad wants to provide water to the world (a good plan). My friend WP has the interest and ability to go into graphics design (or something to do with drawing). Other friends are pointed arrow-straight to the careers that they are thinking of. What the hell are my goals? What do I want to do?
I don't know.
Does this reflect on how my life is like? On what my perspective of life is? Because all I can think of is the end-destination I want: A house, a car, a dog, a wife and at least two kids, enough money to eat good food once a week. How many of us have goals like that? How many decide early on that one will get married, have kids and just settle down? How fucking ancient-cave-man thinking is that?
Perhaps my go-with-the-flow-slow-slow made me this way. Perhaps I'm just lazy. What can I do to make my mark in this world? Who knows. Maybe I'll just be some nameless worker slugging it out to make my family happy. Maybe.
What do you aspire to be?
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2 comments:
happy bday grampiez!! I would've wished you if i knew your US number =(
anyway, to say that wanting to settle down and living a relatively stress free life is a goal in itself. I've been in uni for a year now and I've swapped courses 2ce, and just about to swap again.
Take comfort in knowing that atleast you have a plan in life. Not many do.
and the stars just make us feel insignificant. We miss you here heaps!! Luv ya grampiez
first of all, i'm sorry! i'm sorry for not wishing you but as you know.. we're all caught up in the new environment, the new systems, the awe in a new place, the agony of being alone. Although that's no reason.
A good piece you wrote. And you know me, I believe in God and I can't say He defines your directions. Well heck, that's the reason He gave us brains. It's not that way for me, but He gives me hope that I might reach that impossibility of what I want to do. And truly, it's really impossible on my part.
I cannot even believe I'm freaking here you know what I mean? If I didn't have faith, I woulda been back home slugging off a 9 to 5 being Human Resource Assistant getting paid 850 a month. No car, not enough income to support the four kids I want, not enough exposure to stand up for myself.. I mean I'm not totally off the hook yet, I sometimes think about going home cuz it's so hard. And I still have a lot to go through. But when I do make it, I know it can't be as simple as believing in myself. it's believing in miracles as well.
But I really think that you already have it laid out. It's good to know that you as a 21 year old guy is not thinking only about bachelor days. I like that you anticipate getting married and fathering children. Most men don't. I think what you want in life is to feel content, and to tell you the truth, you might have already stooped to that level.
Oh and about leaving your mark? You already left it.. maybe not in the world yet, but it's good enough.
So chillax man. Why so emo!? Hahaha... well, i'm emo too lah but that was yesterday!
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