There comes a time - many a time really - where a person just has to get his thoughts down. His mind is just so busy doing stuff that sleep comes hard.
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I thought about this awhile back, but I forgot to write about it. There are lots of times when I wish I could take a photo of people. Friends, family, pets, strangers, everyone deserves a good candid picture of themselves. Sometimes I see couples on the bus just snoozing, and it occurs to me that this could be a wonderful picture. Those moments where things are just right, when the time is good and the environment is peaceful. I just feel like saying 'look around and smile!', snapping a snazzy photo to send to their email.
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Religion is always a strange thing to me. I never liked the idea of getting into an organized religion because to me, I don't need those rituals and chants and scripture to believe in something. I believe in making your own destiny, grasping your own life and shaking it thoroughly. I admit that yes, God might be out there looking down on everyone, but yet I also say that I am not a believer in God.
I will not mention whatever 'scientific' explanation out there; that is a question better left to philosophists. I am just a simple man. I know that I'm out here on my own because I choose to, and because I can survive on my own. Maybe to others, it would seem as if God were in me all the time, guiding my life without me knowing it. Who cares really? =P
I am not insulting religion in any way. I am definitely not diminishing a person's faith. They can live their lives the way they want to. Sometimes though, I surprise myself by being able to provide inspiration through explaining things in God's point of view. I am not a believer, but I just know what to say. In saying those words, I guess I put a little belief in them and send that belief to the receiver. It's as if just for those words, I really did believe in God. That would be kind of funny wouldn't it?
Words are powerful things though. Through words one can truly inspire and make known a feeling. Through words I can explain a little bit about life. Through words I can make people feel better. Nothing makes me happier than to put a smile back on people's faces (aside from smiling with them of course ;)). Words have always been one of my strong points... it's just the time and place that need some tweaking.
Shall I send you a gift of belief?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Peace.
Almost all my work is done! At long last. Now I just need to face the final examinations with a brave face and a lopsided grin. It's always been my habit to go in with full confidence that things are going to be all right. I suppose the confidence helps my brain switch to exam mode!
Spring's about over, quick as it is, and summer is coming on real soon. The temperature has been steadily zooming up for the past few weeks. Haven't done much in terms of crazy shit I suppose. Somehow it just doesn't feel like I'm doing anything substantial right now... all the major projects are over (except 2 really, but they're due later!), I'm going out to help my friends with their studies, and classes are essentially done with.
It's been an eventful first semester, and the details are all back in previous posts. People who are far away are having problems of their own, dealing with it on their own as best they can. I guess life just keeps piling on responsibilities and hardships when we're not looking..
We must always remember though that there really are good things in life. Everyday suffering can always make us feel down because it happens everyday. Our joys in life are few and far in between sometimes, but we must always keep in mind that they have happened, they do happen, and they always will happen. That is the miracle of life; joy happens once in awhile if you would just wait for it.
It's human nature to focus on the sufferings of life. Everyone suffers in one way or another. Everyone thinks their own suffering is the most important one to consider. Humans are self-centered; they think about themselves more than others, emphasizing that their suffering is the worst, that they suffer the most.
What else can you do? Even though we can't do anything about suffering, we complain. I enjoy complaining really. To me, it's a way of dealing with it. I throw out my suffering in front of me and consciously know that it is just suffering. I line it out to myself, that shit I am suffering in this way. Then it makes it alot easier to deal with in a more productive manner.
If all else fails, it's always good to keep in mind that yes, suffering sucks, but we have our own little joys here and there. We have great friends, a sound mind, a working body, money to do stuff, opportunity to live. I could gripe all day about the shit that is happening to me, but why not just let things be? Life goes on no matter how much you go nuts about problems.
Life goes on. It really does!
Spring's about over, quick as it is, and summer is coming on real soon. The temperature has been steadily zooming up for the past few weeks. Haven't done much in terms of crazy shit I suppose. Somehow it just doesn't feel like I'm doing anything substantial right now... all the major projects are over (except 2 really, but they're due later!), I'm going out to help my friends with their studies, and classes are essentially done with.
It's been an eventful first semester, and the details are all back in previous posts. People who are far away are having problems of their own, dealing with it on their own as best they can. I guess life just keeps piling on responsibilities and hardships when we're not looking..
We must always remember though that there really are good things in life. Everyday suffering can always make us feel down because it happens everyday. Our joys in life are few and far in between sometimes, but we must always keep in mind that they have happened, they do happen, and they always will happen. That is the miracle of life; joy happens once in awhile if you would just wait for it.
It's human nature to focus on the sufferings of life. Everyone suffers in one way or another. Everyone thinks their own suffering is the most important one to consider. Humans are self-centered; they think about themselves more than others, emphasizing that their suffering is the worst, that they suffer the most.
Life sucks, deal with it.
What else can you do? Even though we can't do anything about suffering, we complain. I enjoy complaining really. To me, it's a way of dealing with it. I throw out my suffering in front of me and consciously know that it is just suffering. I line it out to myself, that shit I am suffering in this way. Then it makes it alot easier to deal with in a more productive manner.
If all else fails, it's always good to keep in mind that yes, suffering sucks, but we have our own little joys here and there. We have great friends, a sound mind, a working body, money to do stuff, opportunity to live. I could gripe all day about the shit that is happening to me, but why not just let things be? Life goes on no matter how much you go nuts about problems.
Life goes on. It really does!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Hmm...
Well, the semester seems to be wrapping up really quickly. Finals are coming in another 3 weeks. All the work is somehow being done at a wonderful pace. It's kind of hard to believe just how far I've come; from the lost young man in a new country to the grouchy old guy in a land that feels a bit more familiar to him. It's harder still to imagine how far I will have to go in the future.
It has been four eventful months for this guy. In a quarter of a year, I have somehow made this place feel like a home. I look out my window, or look around when I walk, and somehow it doesn't seem so scary and new to me anymore.
I've :
_______________________
Of course, none of this would have been possible without the friends I have here. The people that welcomed me into their little group to enjoy our stay here together. There is no way I could not give credit to the people who have helped me adapt to a new world. This bunch of crazy Malaysians who are living life out in their own way out here in this equally crazy country. Without them, I would never have known much about making friends. I would have been so lost with so many things. I would have been bored stiff, with no social life to speak of and no friends to dream about.
No matter how 'cool' I could possibly seem to people who don't know me, I am never a person to shy away from being dragged around by friends to have fun. Friends are important to me because they force me to get out, and they help me live life.
I guess that sometimes, some things never change.
It has been four eventful months for this guy. In a quarter of a year, I have somehow made this place feel like a home. I look out my window, or look around when I walk, and somehow it doesn't seem so scary and new to me anymore.
I've :
- Traveled in the States
- Made friends with Americans
- Learned some interesting cultures
- Adapted to the new environment
- Seen new sights
- Played with snow
- Learned to cook (learning still!)
- Partied with new friends
- Enjoyed a chilling night out
- Danced (a little) in the wind and rain
- Laughed at the sky
- Said hello, thank you, and you're welcome to strangers
- Attended Riverdance and Stomp (a must see indeed)
_______________________
Of course, none of this would have been possible without the friends I have here. The people that welcomed me into their little group to enjoy our stay here together. There is no way I could not give credit to the people who have helped me adapt to a new world. This bunch of crazy Malaysians who are living life out in their own way out here in this equally crazy country. Without them, I would never have known much about making friends. I would have been so lost with so many things. I would have been bored stiff, with no social life to speak of and no friends to dream about.
No matter how 'cool' I could possibly seem to people who don't know me, I am never a person to shy away from being dragged around by friends to have fun. Friends are important to me because they force me to get out, and they help me live life.
I guess that sometimes, some things never change.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Last week, I felt a little down and depressed I suppose. All the work seemed to be crowding all over me, and life didn't seem so bright after all.
Whaddaya know, I'm fine already. Just this morning I woke up to a bright Monday morning and walked to class, and everything seemed just fine. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the trees were waving their green-ing branches at me, the flowers were saying pleasant hellos... squirrels were munching on nuts, as usual... life seemed all great again.
Strange world we live in, huh?
Whaddaya know, I'm fine already. Just this morning I woke up to a bright Monday morning and walked to class, and everything seemed just fine. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the trees were waving their green-ing branches at me, the flowers were saying pleasant hellos... squirrels were munching on nuts, as usual... life seemed all great again.
Strange world we live in, huh?
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The things we do in life.
Sometimes, even the best student fails.
Sometimes, the motivation is just not there.
Sometimes, even the happiest person has his doubts.
Sometimes, even the best of things doesn't seem so good.
Sometimes, even the most loving man falters in his devotion.
Sometimes, even the most devout of men will question Gods' ways.
Sometimes, even the most courageous of soldiers flees from the enemy.
Sometimes, the motivation is just not there.
Sometimes, even the happiest person has his doubts.
Sometimes, even the best of things doesn't seem so good.
Sometimes, even the most loving man falters in his devotion.
Sometimes, even the most devout of men will question Gods' ways.
Sometimes, even the most courageous of soldiers flees from the enemy.
What differentiates the man from the mouse,
What makes a person stand out from the rest,
Is whether he steels himself to go back;
What makes a person stand out from the rest,
Is whether he steels himself to go back;
Once more, into the fray.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
There are just some things in life...
Some experiences, some memories, some occurances, that I wouldn't ever miss for the world.
Sometimes, they are the simplest things.
Enjoying a laugh at a show.
Walking down memory lane on a slow day.
Watching the world pass by out the car window.
Washing the dishes.
Cleaning the house.
Throwing paper airplanes.
Sometimes, they are the silliest things.
Rolling around fighting each other.
Panicking at a mini-fireball in the house.
Farting. That always makes a laugh.
Throwing water in the bathroom.
Shivering in the freezing rain.
Sometimes, they are the most complex things.
A romantic dinner after a great day out.
Fixing up a cupboard.
Moving an entire room to a new house.
Shopping for gifts.
Sometimes, they are the simplest things.
Enjoying a laugh at a show.
Walking down memory lane on a slow day.
Watching the world pass by out the car window.
Washing the dishes.
Cleaning the house.
Throwing paper airplanes.
Sometimes, they are the silliest things.
Rolling around fighting each other.
Panicking at a mini-fireball in the house.
Farting. That always makes a laugh.
Throwing water in the bathroom.
Shivering in the freezing rain.
Sometimes, they are the most complex things.
A romantic dinner after a great day out.
Fixing up a cupboard.
Moving an entire room to a new house.
Shopping for gifts.
Planning a surprise.
Sometimes, it's just doing nothing with each other.
Sometimes, it's just doing nothing with each other.
What do you love?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's over.
Chicago is done and dealt with, and all my new purchases are hanging proudly in my closet. Classes have started once more, and the happiness of shopping has ebbed away. I feel a little depressed.
It's never easy to have that certain someone far away. It's always hard to make things right again when an argument happens, whatever the reason that argument started. It's almost impossible to run on over and just be there for that person.
Distance makes things harder. It always does. What people always forget is that distance never makes things impossible though. People make things happen because they want to. Love is powerful as long as you want it to be powerful, because you make it powerful with your own feelings. Things can work out if you want them to.
I want things to work out. And they are. Slowly, but surely, life goes on, and she'll be right there with me all the way.
Spending my life thousands of miles away from the woman I love isn't easy. It's not the temptation or the loneliness that really gets to me. I don't worry about me, because I am just awesome in that aspect. I worry about her. She's always somewhere in my head, floating around in one way or another.
- I worry about whether she's eating right, because I'm not there to make her food taste awesomer.
- I worry about whether she's smiling enough, because I'm not there to look dumb and make her laugh.
- I worry about whether she's sleeping warm, because she loves the cold too much and I'm not there to throw the blanket over her.
- I worry about whether she's resting enough, because I'm not there to do her work.
- I worry about whether she's going out and about enough, because I'm not there as a reason for her to kick me out of the house to move my lazy butt.
- I worry about whether she has enough groceries for the week, because I'm not there for her to use as a driver and a shopping-bag-carrier.
- I worry about whether she's living life the way I imagined my loved one should live, because I'm not there to remind her of what life is about.
I know I can enjoy life here when she's back home. Everything can be put in a positive light; each trip I go to, I imagine what it would be like with her by my side. Things we could do, stuff we could see, the various situations we would be in and how she would look. The little things are always there in the back of my head. Her face lighting up at the prospect of shopping, the sight of snow maybe, the joy of a clear day even. I'm wistful, but it's all right.
It's never easy to have that certain someone far away. It's always hard to make things right again when an argument happens, whatever the reason that argument started. It's almost impossible to run on over and just be there for that person.
Distance makes things harder. It always does. What people always forget is that distance never makes things impossible though. People make things happen because they want to. Love is powerful as long as you want it to be powerful, because you make it powerful with your own feelings. Things can work out if you want them to.
I want things to work out. And they are. Slowly, but surely, life goes on, and she'll be right there with me all the way.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Chicagooooooooo...!
Well it's near the end of spring break, and here I am in the Ramada Inn somewhere near Chicago, tapping away at my experiences in this extremely huuuuuge city.
Spring break started like any other day really, with us hanging around doing nothing, chatting away and thinking of things to do. I spent saturday through wednesday in Navvin's room, living there because I got kicked out by my dorm. We didn't really do much... we rented a minivan for the week, which was really cool. With transport we could actually drive around and do alot more stuff. We went to eat things in places that were hard to reach, and man is there alot more variety out there!
Early Thursday morning, at like freaking 5AM, I woke up to get ready for the big trip down to Chicago. Busyness reigned, and everyone scurried about packing, cleaning up, and just plain getting ready. We drove 4 hours out of Indiana and ended up in the busy town, lost but excited. The street naming and direction system in the United States is actually really cool and easy to follow... but there are hundreds of streets and avenues to go to, which makes it really hard. Chicago is like... 10 times bigger than KL. And I was driving. Mmmmm...
Anyway, we checked into the hotel (finally) called Red Roof Inn. It wasn't really a very good hotel, but we had to do with what we have. The hotel I'm in right now is way better. So for the first day, we walked around trying to shop for stuff. Unfortunately everything was expensive and 'fasionable' so we couldn't really find anything to buy. We spent the entire day just walking around trying to find our way.
I saw this huge-ass McD's though. It was massive... it had 15 flat screen TV's all over the place, bellowing propaganda for McDonalds 24 hours a day. There were cars everywhere, EVERYWHERE. There was no space to park, just enough space to walk, and thank god it was cold. Probably would have died suffocating in the smog.
Spring break down here in Chicago has been really really busy!
All in all, I think this trip was very much enjoyable and worth it, tho it does suck that the break is only one week. It feels all too short. Oh well. Life is short, and we must live it as best we can. :D
Spring break started like any other day really, with us hanging around doing nothing, chatting away and thinking of things to do. I spent saturday through wednesday in Navvin's room, living there because I got kicked out by my dorm. We didn't really do much... we rented a minivan for the week, which was really cool. With transport we could actually drive around and do alot more stuff. We went to eat things in places that were hard to reach, and man is there alot more variety out there!
Early Thursday morning, at like freaking 5AM, I woke up to get ready for the big trip down to Chicago. Busyness reigned, and everyone scurried about packing, cleaning up, and just plain getting ready. We drove 4 hours out of Indiana and ended up in the busy town, lost but excited. The street naming and direction system in the United States is actually really cool and easy to follow... but there are hundreds of streets and avenues to go to, which makes it really hard. Chicago is like... 10 times bigger than KL. And I was driving. Mmmmm...
Anyway, we checked into the hotel (finally) called Red Roof Inn. It wasn't really a very good hotel, but we had to do with what we have. The hotel I'm in right now is way better. So for the first day, we walked around trying to shop for stuff. Unfortunately everything was expensive and 'fasionable' so we couldn't really find anything to buy. We spent the entire day just walking around trying to find our way.
I saw this huge-ass McD's though. It was massive... it had 15 flat screen TV's all over the place, bellowing propaganda for McDonalds 24 hours a day. There were cars everywhere, EVERYWHERE. There was no space to park, just enough space to walk, and thank god it was cold. Probably would have died suffocating in the smog.
Spring break down here in Chicago has been really really busy!
- Drove through a real American city.
- Had my first glass of champange.
- Saw many cute little doggies!
- Enjoyed the night as only gentlemen could enjoy it.
- Met a very interesting Kitty.
- Went to a Navy Pier.
- Walked. For hours.
- Drove. For hours.
- Shopped. For hours.
- Almost killed us all driving on the wrong side of the road.
- Bought many, many things.
- Finally got the hat of my dreams. Almost.
- I spent way too much money. (600+!!!!)
All in all, I think this trip was very much enjoyable and worth it, tho it does suck that the break is only one week. It feels all too short. Oh well. Life is short, and we must live it as best we can. :D
Monday, March 10, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
It's spring break!
.. and I am starting it off with a glass of Chardonnay wine, with some really chilling music and the snow outside making the world seem like a hazy but very beautiful one. I have a week's worth of doing nothing, will be going to Chicago next week with my Malaysian friends to get a view of the new world I am in.
Everything feels so peaceful now. When I first came, I wondered whether I could cope with the sudden change of life. I wondered if I would go crazy with the new things happening here: A new place, a new life, no friends, no one I really knew here.
I guess most of those fears are gone. I have friends here from the same college as me, and we've been through enough to make them close enough for me. I am thankful that there is at least some small link I have to home. Without them I think I would have gone crazy with boredom and loneliness a long time ago.
I'm very much a family and familiarity person, I think. Keeping to the old ways is always easier than making new ones from scratch. I think it's really great that I have some people to turn to in times of real loneliness, when I have no one else to hang out with. I always take a long time to make friends, but those that I do make are always good ones.
The little room I have here in the dormitories feels so much like a home to me. I guess I've adapted well. Walking the streets, seeing these foreign people, doesn't really affect me anymore. I mean, they're still new, but I don't wonder at things anymore. They're just people after all.
Slowly, but surely, I think I'm going to like it here.
Slowly but surely.
Everything feels so peaceful now. When I first came, I wondered whether I could cope with the sudden change of life. I wondered if I would go crazy with the new things happening here: A new place, a new life, no friends, no one I really knew here.
I guess most of those fears are gone. I have friends here from the same college as me, and we've been through enough to make them close enough for me. I am thankful that there is at least some small link I have to home. Without them I think I would have gone crazy with boredom and loneliness a long time ago.
I'm very much a family and familiarity person, I think. Keeping to the old ways is always easier than making new ones from scratch. I think it's really great that I have some people to turn to in times of real loneliness, when I have no one else to hang out with. I always take a long time to make friends, but those that I do make are always good ones.
The little room I have here in the dormitories feels so much like a home to me. I guess I've adapted well. Walking the streets, seeing these foreign people, doesn't really affect me anymore. I mean, they're still new, but I don't wonder at things anymore. They're just people after all.
Slowly, but surely, I think I'm going to like it here.
Slowly but surely.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
The previous post never really did justice to how much I miss my little lady back home... hehe. There's just some days when I just can't seem to write I suppose. But I really do miss doing those little things that I would do for her.
There's just a certain joy that can be found with the people you truly love. There's just that little thing that makes you smile, those little things that you will forever remember as the defining features of the love you have. Sometimes I walk home, and I find that I am smiling because of the simple joy of doing things with her. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's just a simple, wonderful kind of feeling. It's especially impact-ful because it's just so simple.
So it's just a little anti-climatic that I wouldn't be able to do much for her birthday. There were so many things that I've done for her, that were quite long ago that I just can't remember right now because it's been so long since I've done them. I remember things like the fireball, the cards, the ring, and all of them were really fun things because they were so simple.
Everyone's always worried about the complicated things, about those big-ass problems that everyone's faces are pushed into. I worry about the smallest things sometimes, but I know that both big and small things are the important things. Why else would I bother to make sure that every day is something special? Why else would I consider each moment important? Even though I might not be the best at conveying the feeling that I am enjoying the moment with her, I think maybe, in a way, she knows. I certainly hope so.
What do you do?
There's just a certain joy that can be found with the people you truly love. There's just that little thing that makes you smile, those little things that you will forever remember as the defining features of the love you have. Sometimes I walk home, and I find that I am smiling because of the simple joy of doing things with her. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's just a simple, wonderful kind of feeling. It's especially impact-ful because it's just so simple.
So it's just a little anti-climatic that I wouldn't be able to do much for her birthday. There were so many things that I've done for her, that were quite long ago that I just can't remember right now because it's been so long since I've done them. I remember things like the fireball, the cards, the ring, and all of them were really fun things because they were so simple.
Everyone's always worried about the complicated things, about those big-ass problems that everyone's faces are pushed into. I worry about the smallest things sometimes, but I know that both big and small things are the important things. Why else would I bother to make sure that every day is something special? Why else would I consider each moment important? Even though I might not be the best at conveying the feeling that I am enjoying the moment with her, I think maybe, in a way, she knows. I certainly hope so.
What do you do?
Friday, February 29, 2008
My little lady had her birthday celebration just yesterday. It sounded like lots of fun when she told me about it, and I am glad. She can still have fun without me, which is great. She still wants me there, which is even better I must say ;).
It's my first year not actually doing anything for her birthday, and it feels strange. I'm sure I'll make it up to her when I go back, but it's always different when it's on a seperate day.
Oh well.
I shall go look for food.
It's my first year not actually doing anything for her birthday, and it feels strange. I'm sure I'll make it up to her when I go back, but it's always different when it's on a seperate day.
Oh well.
I shall go look for food.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Everyone hurts.
In their own way, everyone hurts. Every time someone hurts, there is no worse hurt out in the world. We can always say 'Hey, look; the shit out there is much more smellier than yours,' and it could very well be true. Of course, there is no worse shit than the shit you are feeling my friend.
I say this because I do not think anyone could possibly say that their hurt is 'different', 'more painful', 'theirs is not as bad as mine'. Everyone is hurt. That is what matters. Some people say that comparing pain makes it easier. Others, like me, think that no matter what you do, it's all the same shit: I am in pain, nothing else matters.
So who the hell are you to say that 'Their pain not as pain as mine ok!' or 'They hurt only like that, not as bad as mine.'? Who are you indeed?
Everyone hurts. A person who has been lonely their entire lives and yearns for the solid foundation of that special someone hurts the same way as a person who has lost that foundation. The essential part is that both parties are feeling sad. Both of them have experienced something you will never understand, unless it has happened to you. I think we become blinded to how it felt when we were the same way as others, or if we never actually felt that built-up sense of emptiness.
I get irritated sometimes when I hear people say 'Don't bother me, I am in such emotional pain', especially when I try to give them a bit of perspective by giving them comparisons. 'It's not the same!' they would wail. Self-centered-ness is human. I understand that. And then I become normal again.
I love myself. And the people who made me, me.
___________________________________
Picture this:
You are walking along on a sunny day in the park, any park. The birds are singing, the breeze is blowing a cool song in your ears, and all you can see in the sky is fluffy clouds chasing each other merrily. The world is a great place, and you are there to enjoy it.
Then, a shabbily dressed man walks from the other side of the road you are on. He has a battered old cap, torn jeans and a hole-y jacket. Think of a beggar, if you will. He looks unshaved, unwashed, and without a home. He is walking near you. You have 3 choices, answer truthfully to yourself:
a) Walk past him, wrinkling your nose or thinking 'ugh poor man'
b) Take a different path
c) Just walk.
d) Stop and try to do something else
e) shoot yourself.
What did you think? Did you wrinkle your nose inwardly in slight disgust? Did you look upon him with pity? Did you move out of the way or change your paths? You know your own answer. Some of you might have answered contrary to what you would have done.
What was all this about?
Everyone judges. Everyone makes decisions on what to think of others. No one can escape that damning human trait. It is how people survive, in a way. Judge how others think of you, and be prepared to face whatever might be coming.
But how many of us can say that after judging, we let those judgements go? How many of us can really change our minds about people? How many of us can take people at face value, at what they tell us? How many of us don't delve deeply into what it is in front of us? We judge, oh yes, we judge. We look at a poor man and wrinkle our nose in disgust or pity. We look at a poor man and think of helping him. How many of us look at a poor man and just see a man? How many of us just walk past him like any other human being? How many do nothing, think nothing, say nothing, because we just don't know the man?
There are no fingers pointed, there never should be. Judging is in our nature. Judging is in our blood. You judge. I judge. All of us do. The difference between you and me?
I let it slide.
I can look at a person and think of many many things. I can say he's gay, straight, annoying, looks okay, lousy sense of fashion, loud, soft, hot, cold, whatever. The other day, I went to a small discussion thing, and I saw this bunch of people there. There were two guys who had very gay voices: light and smooth. Feminine. I thought, hm, gay? One of them talked to me, and his voice just said 'Gay' in my mind.
But then, I let it slide. I did not change the way I acted, I did not change the way I spoke, I did not look away, I didn't act like anything would affect me. I did not feel any different.
And then he spoke to me some more, and that built an image of who he was in my mind.
And then much later on, they said they were gay.
And I still felt the same. They were just guys. Guys with different tastes, yes, but essentially just guys. Some of my friends would get disgusted by that. Some of my friends would try to avoid them. Some make fun of gays. Some have no comment, but are inwardly... you know.
Do you let it slide?
I say this because I do not think anyone could possibly say that their hurt is 'different', 'more painful', 'theirs is not as bad as mine'. Everyone is hurt. That is what matters. Some people say that comparing pain makes it easier. Others, like me, think that no matter what you do, it's all the same shit: I am in pain, nothing else matters.
So who the hell are you to say that 'Their pain not as pain as mine ok!' or 'They hurt only like that, not as bad as mine.'? Who are you indeed?
Everyone hurts. A person who has been lonely their entire lives and yearns for the solid foundation of that special someone hurts the same way as a person who has lost that foundation. The essential part is that both parties are feeling sad. Both of them have experienced something you will never understand, unless it has happened to you. I think we become blinded to how it felt when we were the same way as others, or if we never actually felt that built-up sense of emptiness.
I get irritated sometimes when I hear people say 'Don't bother me, I am in such emotional pain', especially when I try to give them a bit of perspective by giving them comparisons. 'It's not the same!' they would wail. Self-centered-ness is human. I understand that. And then I become normal again.
I love myself. And the people who made me, me.
___________________________________
Picture this:
You are walking along on a sunny day in the park, any park. The birds are singing, the breeze is blowing a cool song in your ears, and all you can see in the sky is fluffy clouds chasing each other merrily. The world is a great place, and you are there to enjoy it.
Then, a shabbily dressed man walks from the other side of the road you are on. He has a battered old cap, torn jeans and a hole-y jacket. Think of a beggar, if you will. He looks unshaved, unwashed, and without a home. He is walking near you. You have 3 choices, answer truthfully to yourself:
a) Walk past him, wrinkling your nose or thinking 'ugh poor man'
b) Take a different path
c) Just walk.
d) Stop and try to do something else
e) shoot yourself.
What did you think? Did you wrinkle your nose inwardly in slight disgust? Did you look upon him with pity? Did you move out of the way or change your paths? You know your own answer. Some of you might have answered contrary to what you would have done.
What was all this about?
Everyone judges. Everyone makes decisions on what to think of others. No one can escape that damning human trait. It is how people survive, in a way. Judge how others think of you, and be prepared to face whatever might be coming.
But how many of us can say that after judging, we let those judgements go? How many of us can really change our minds about people? How many of us can take people at face value, at what they tell us? How many of us don't delve deeply into what it is in front of us? We judge, oh yes, we judge. We look at a poor man and wrinkle our nose in disgust or pity. We look at a poor man and think of helping him. How many of us look at a poor man and just see a man? How many of us just walk past him like any other human being? How many do nothing, think nothing, say nothing, because we just don't know the man?
There are no fingers pointed, there never should be. Judging is in our nature. Judging is in our blood. You judge. I judge. All of us do. The difference between you and me?
I let it slide.
I can look at a person and think of many many things. I can say he's gay, straight, annoying, looks okay, lousy sense of fashion, loud, soft, hot, cold, whatever. The other day, I went to a small discussion thing, and I saw this bunch of people there. There were two guys who had very gay voices: light and smooth. Feminine. I thought, hm, gay? One of them talked to me, and his voice just said 'Gay' in my mind.
But then, I let it slide. I did not change the way I acted, I did not change the way I spoke, I did not look away, I didn't act like anything would affect me. I did not feel any different.
And then he spoke to me some more, and that built an image of who he was in my mind.
And then much later on, they said they were gay.
And I still felt the same. They were just guys. Guys with different tastes, yes, but essentially just guys. Some of my friends would get disgusted by that. Some of my friends would try to avoid them. Some make fun of gays. Some have no comment, but are inwardly... you know.
Do you let it slide?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Mmm...
The other day, I had just finished class and was walking home. I was feeling quite down for no apparent reason. It was as if life was just pressing on me, squeezing the life out of me, making me feel like it was all for nothing. There's always work to do, nothing to eat, homes to miss, cold to fight. My walk slowed as I contemplated just what it was that made me feel like crap.
Then I thought of very much happier thoughts: My ring, the joy, the simplicity, the wonders, the childlike glee, the heart-warming effort. Home is where the heart is, and that home is a simple one. And I want to go home. Soon.
I'll be taking more subjects to speed things up!
__________________________________
I'm spending a butt-load over here... meals and daily life are really eating up cash. Which sucks, because the variety of meals here is meager at best, unless I walk 30 minutes downtown or take a bus to the mall.
I also have to buy lots of things, like an external hard drive for my laptop because the space is just too small. I can't imagine the amount I'll be spending for next semester.
I'll be moving to a new home in the Fall semester with some other Malaysians. It's cheaper and we're together, so it'll be a great thing to do. The only crappy part is that I have to find a place to stuff all my stuff for the summer. This year, I'll be moving a grand total of 3 (4 if you count moving in to my current dorm) times. Wonderful.
I'm off!
Then I thought of very much happier thoughts: My ring, the joy, the simplicity, the wonders, the childlike glee, the heart-warming effort. Home is where the heart is, and that home is a simple one. And I want to go home. Soon.
I'll be taking more subjects to speed things up!
__________________________________
I'm spending a butt-load over here... meals and daily life are really eating up cash. Which sucks, because the variety of meals here is meager at best, unless I walk 30 minutes downtown or take a bus to the mall.
I also have to buy lots of things, like an external hard drive for my laptop because the space is just too small. I can't imagine the amount I'll be spending for next semester.
I'll be moving to a new home in the Fall semester with some other Malaysians. It's cheaper and we're together, so it'll be a great thing to do. The only crappy part is that I have to find a place to stuff all my stuff for the summer. This year, I'll be moving a grand total of 3 (4 if you count moving in to my current dorm) times. Wonderful.
I'm off!
Friday, February 15, 2008
February 14th, a day where many couples will be seen out and about, honoring their spouse in the best way they can... (or in Jon's case, the looks-the-most-expensive-but-actually-the-cheapest)
I spent mine doing nothing.
My little lady is far, far away in Malaysia, and all I can do here now is reminisce on the good times we had, and the great times we will have in the future.
It feels different.
Every year, without fail, I would do something for Valentines Day. There would always be a little card up my sleeve just waiting to be shown at the right time, surprising that little woman with some devious plan or enchanting little event. There was the ring, the necklace, the candlelit dinner, the ball of flame... ah, simple and neat, wondrous in all its unexpected surprises.
It's a wonder that people really need to find a specific day to honor their spouse. But I think it might be a good thing. Having a day for Valentines is like setting a permanent and visible goal; you can't avoid it because everyone knows about it, and if you do you're an asshole. You can go about saying hey, it's only a hyped up day for everyone to jack up prices on anything remotely romantic... but in the end, why look at it negatively?
Like I said, Valentines is like a goal: Everyone knows it's there. Everyone expects you to keep up with that goal. Why not?
Take your spouse or your loved one out to an expensive dinner (don't roll your eyes Jon.), do something special that you've never done before; be the cliche that everyone seems to want to avoid - but secretly wants to be in. Take that day as the uberly special day where magic will happen (and magic did happen with mine).
Valentines is special. No one can deny that. People may say it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time. In some ways, it is. You can love your significant other every day. It just takes alot of effort and dedication. But a goal always helps to set the standard, always helps to give you a kick in the ass that asks the dire question of whether you care enough to do something.
I'd have loved to do something. I just don't know what. Life is too different now.
What did you do?
I spent mine doing nothing.
My little lady is far, far away in Malaysia, and all I can do here now is reminisce on the good times we had, and the great times we will have in the future.
It feels different.
Every year, without fail, I would do something for Valentines Day. There would always be a little card up my sleeve just waiting to be shown at the right time, surprising that little woman with some devious plan or enchanting little event. There was the ring, the necklace, the candlelit dinner, the ball of flame... ah, simple and neat, wondrous in all its unexpected surprises.
It's a wonder that people really need to find a specific day to honor their spouse. But I think it might be a good thing. Having a day for Valentines is like setting a permanent and visible goal; you can't avoid it because everyone knows about it, and if you do you're an asshole. You can go about saying hey, it's only a hyped up day for everyone to jack up prices on anything remotely romantic... but in the end, why look at it negatively?
Like I said, Valentines is like a goal: Everyone knows it's there. Everyone expects you to keep up with that goal. Why not?
Take your spouse or your loved one out to an expensive dinner (don't roll your eyes Jon.), do something special that you've never done before; be the cliche that everyone seems to want to avoid - but secretly wants to be in. Take that day as the uberly special day where magic will happen (and magic did happen with mine).
Valentines is special. No one can deny that. People may say it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time. In some ways, it is. You can love your significant other every day. It just takes alot of effort and dedication. But a goal always helps to set the standard, always helps to give you a kick in the ass that asks the dire question of whether you care enough to do something.
I'd have loved to do something. I just don't know what. Life is too different now.
What did you do?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Another day, another day.
My head sort of hurts from all the math work I've been trying to comprehend. Well, actually just one question. Something about Bayes Probability and some such stuff. The formula is just giving me trouble. I don't really understand how they can play around with all the formulas and get the answer. Bayes must have been a freaking genius to think this stuff up.
But I think I get it now. I think. It's like If A = B and A = C, and B and C are the same under certain conditions, and A is used to find D, you can find out what D is by using C if B isn't given, but A is.
Fucked up right?
Oh well. I'm chilling now with a can of Coke and nothing else on my mind. I'm going to have to present this stuff tomorrow, so I will be typing away at a presentation handout soon. Which sucks. Oh well.
_________________
I fried me up a new dish! A rather simple one - as usual - but it tasted pretty good and that's all that matters! I fried garlic, threw in chopped up potatoes and mushrooms, then fried merrily away until I had some really nice golden brown potatoes and shrivelled mushrooms.. which tasted really nice! I swear!
So there you have it... one new dish for me, and one big step to becoming a wif-- I mean a chef. I wonder what my next masterpiece will be... hmmm...
_________________
I'm growing fat again. My resolution to go to the gym everyday has been smashed to little pieces by the cold, and swept underneath the carpeted floor by work. It's a cruel, cruel world out there. Bloomington's weather is a bit of a douchebag; Hey! 14 celsius today! Go out and enjoy! Nah I'm just kidding here you go -8 celsius you dumbass.
Freakin weather. Cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.
Made me get a horrible cough for like 2 weeks.
Meh.
_________________
I'm getting sick of pizza. But I still want to eat it. How sad is that? It's like I order pizza because it's nice... then when I eat it I don't want to, but I have to, and I also want to when I don't really want to... you get the point.
The price of food here makes me want to cry. RM30 for a meal of pizza and coke. RM30 for a meal of ONE (1) vegetable and some rice. What choice do I have?
_________________
My head sort of hurts from all the math work I've been trying to comprehend. Well, actually just one question. Something about Bayes Probability and some such stuff. The formula is just giving me trouble. I don't really understand how they can play around with all the formulas and get the answer. Bayes must have been a freaking genius to think this stuff up.
But I think I get it now. I think. It's like If A = B and A = C, and B and C are the same under certain conditions, and A is used to find D, you can find out what D is by using C if B isn't given, but A is.
Fucked up right?
Oh well. I'm chilling now with a can of Coke and nothing else on my mind. I'm going to have to present this stuff tomorrow, so I will be typing away at a presentation handout soon. Which sucks. Oh well.
_________________
I fried me up a new dish! A rather simple one - as usual - but it tasted pretty good and that's all that matters! I fried garlic, threw in chopped up potatoes and mushrooms, then fried merrily away until I had some really nice golden brown potatoes and shrivelled mushrooms.. which tasted really nice! I swear!
So there you have it... one new dish for me, and one big step to becoming a wif-- I mean a chef. I wonder what my next masterpiece will be... hmmm...
_________________
I'm growing fat again. My resolution to go to the gym everyday has been smashed to little pieces by the cold, and swept underneath the carpeted floor by work. It's a cruel, cruel world out there. Bloomington's weather is a bit of a douchebag; Hey! 14 celsius today! Go out and enjoy! Nah I'm just kidding here you go -8 celsius you dumbass.
Freakin weather. Cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.
Made me get a horrible cough for like 2 weeks.
Meh.
_________________
I'm getting sick of pizza. But I still want to eat it. How sad is that? It's like I order pizza because it's nice... then when I eat it I don't want to, but I have to, and I also want to when I don't really want to... you get the point.
The price of food here makes me want to cry. RM30 for a meal of pizza and coke. RM30 for a meal of ONE (1) vegetable and some rice. What choice do I have?
_________________
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year!
Well now... Chinese New Year celebrations have gone on for quite some time all across the world, and I enjoyed my own little party with the few Malaysians here...
Went to Tulip Tree - an apartment complex for students - to enjoy some steamboat, drinking and gambling, three things that could possibly be symbols of Chinese culture. The steamboat was some Tomyam-ish soup, but it was still nice. Some girls cooked up all the food and served it, pretty awesome I must say. I had spring rolls, seafood, and fried rice.
Right now I'm just chilling in my friends' house, getting ready to screw around with Age of Empries III. This is like our new nightly activity. Fun stuff, something to do to bond!
I'm off, don't know what else to type.
Went to Tulip Tree - an apartment complex for students - to enjoy some steamboat, drinking and gambling, three things that could possibly be symbols of Chinese culture. The steamboat was some Tomyam-ish soup, but it was still nice. Some girls cooked up all the food and served it, pretty awesome I must say. I had spring rolls, seafood, and fried rice.
Right now I'm just chilling in my friends' house, getting ready to screw around with Age of Empries III. This is like our new nightly activity. Fun stuff, something to do to bond!
I'm off, don't know what else to type.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Another long week has passed.
It's the weekend, and I'm sitting in my room not doing much. I actually don't know what to do. I've got some work for the coming week, but it's Saturday damnit! No work is to be done on Saturdays! Saturdays are supposed to be days for rest, for fun, for doing nothing! And that's what I'm doing. Nothing.
And it irks me, somehow.
Damn the cold.
I sort of ran out of activities I could do on a weekend. Bloomington's like that; there's nothing here other than the university unless you have a car. Everything's so far away =(.
I just ate microwave dinners... and they're horrible. Superbly horrible. I will never eat another one again (even though I probably will...). The stuff is dry, a little tasty, always salty, and not really nice. But, in times of desperation..
I also tried the instant noodles they make here... and it sucks. Nothing beats Indomee. NOTHING. This is like... a 3 out of 10. Indomee would be a 7 out of 10, and 3 extra points goes to how you cook it. Maruchan Ramen is... blah. Sucks. It's just the dry noodles with some powder for flavored soup. Yucks.
AHHH. The loneliness of having few to no friends to screw around with is really, really trying on one's mind.
I want to go home. I can't, but I want to.
Where's my goddamn char kuey teow!?
And it irks me, somehow.
Damn the cold.
I sort of ran out of activities I could do on a weekend. Bloomington's like that; there's nothing here other than the university unless you have a car. Everything's so far away =(.
I just ate microwave dinners... and they're horrible. Superbly horrible. I will never eat another one again (even though I probably will...). The stuff is dry, a little tasty, always salty, and not really nice. But, in times of desperation..
I also tried the instant noodles they make here... and it sucks. Nothing beats Indomee. NOTHING. This is like... a 3 out of 10. Indomee would be a 7 out of 10, and 3 extra points goes to how you cook it. Maruchan Ramen is... blah. Sucks. It's just the dry noodles with some powder for flavored soup. Yucks.
AHHH. The loneliness of having few to no friends to screw around with is really, really trying on one's mind.
I want to go home. I can't, but I want to.
Where's my goddamn char kuey teow!?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The stuff of heroes...
America could be very well known for its belief in freedom: Freedom of speech, freedom to believe, freedom to do anything which is not against the law. Its value on the right to live free is almost legendary by now. What more could be said of this love of freedom than the idea of a super hero?
The greatest and most noble of people who sacrifice themselves to save the day! They battle foes and super villains, keeping the world safe for us puny mortals. Songs have been sung, comics have been drawn, and movies have been made for these mighty masters of the universe. At the end of a long day, after hours of frustrating math, I saw my first All-American Superhero...
American Bubble Wrap Man.
I startled at such a formal hello. I waved awkwardly as the supreme image of a man fully dressed in red and blue colored bubble wrap walked up towards me.
'Have you seen any super villains about tonight?' he cheerfully asked.
Jeez, this guy even has the accent of a superhero down. I replied no, overawed by his presence. Wreathed in the finest blue and red bubble wrap, with a long cape of the flag of America, he wielded a mighty rubber hammer which would smite his foes with a squeak. As I walked on, he randomly greeted more people and asked the same question.
Later on, I overheard him reveal one of his greatest weaknesses. So bold! It was as if he were inviting evil villains to try using his weakness, but he would just overcome it with a swing of his mighty rubber hammer.
'Trees and wind are my only weakness!' he cried out.
He tried to chop down the tree with a mighty swing of his hammer. It whistled with deadly accuracy and bounced off the trunk.
'Damn you foliage! Damn youuuu!'
I walked on into the night, knowing that - at least for tonight - I would be just a little safer with a great man like him walking around. I felt at peace, because the world was being watched over by such people as American Bubble Wrap Man.
I laughed my ass off when I got far enough.
The greatest and most noble of people who sacrifice themselves to save the day! They battle foes and super villains, keeping the world safe for us puny mortals. Songs have been sung, comics have been drawn, and movies have been made for these mighty masters of the universe. At the end of a long day, after hours of frustrating math, I saw my first All-American Superhero...
American Bubble Wrap Man.
'Greetings citizen!'
I startled at such a formal hello. I waved awkwardly as the supreme image of a man fully dressed in red and blue colored bubble wrap walked up towards me.
'Have you seen any super villains about tonight?' he cheerfully asked.
Jeez, this guy even has the accent of a superhero down. I replied no, overawed by his presence. Wreathed in the finest blue and red bubble wrap, with a long cape of the flag of America, he wielded a mighty rubber hammer which would smite his foes with a squeak. As I walked on, he randomly greeted more people and asked the same question.
Later on, I overheard him reveal one of his greatest weaknesses. So bold! It was as if he were inviting evil villains to try using his weakness, but he would just overcome it with a swing of his mighty rubber hammer.
'Trees and wind are my only weakness!' he cried out.
He tried to chop down the tree with a mighty swing of his hammer. It whistled with deadly accuracy and bounced off the trunk.
'Damn you foliage! Damn youuuu!'
I walked on into the night, knowing that - at least for tonight - I would be just a little safer with a great man like him walking around. I felt at peace, because the world was being watched over by such people as American Bubble Wrap Man.
I laughed my ass off when I got far enough.
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